Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Four Years.

Here I am, sitting in my office and suddenly it hit me. I mean, HIT ME. Today is my fourth year of being sober.

I frantically begin to try and recall all the moments I have had in the last years milestones; Year One, I threw myself a party. The second, I got the tattoo I had always wanted. The third, I spent mourning my former not so sober life. And in the blink of an eye, I am at year four.

At this milestone in my sobriety, I feel a great amount of appreciation for where I am. My past has become just that, my past. Life these days seem to be moments in which I am learning to appreciate the present in great stride.

I made a decision four years ago and every single day, I find myself reinforcing this decision in varying degrees:

I recall one moment this summer where I was ready to cash in all my sober chips for a reprieve from the emotion that sometimes overwhelm me.

Another moment this year, I sat on the porch of the house I shared with my former husband and cried for the time I had spent in such turmoil. And I mourned the loss of love gone bad.

One day, I cheerfully proclaimed that being sober was the best thing in life only to counter this proclamation a few hours later with a tirade about how horrible it is not to be able to drink.

A few weeks ago, I wept with joy because I had actually stuck to such a profound decision with tenacity. Something I would never had dreamed of years ago.

And that leads me to my four year milestone. The party was had, the token tattoo, the grief. Today, I will let this milestone pass without the hoopla (save for this post). It's another day in my life, one that I am grateful for and one that I am reminded of where I am in my life today.

Sobriety weaves in and out of the emotional fabric that makes up everyday life. Some days, I find snags. Other days, I find patterns I didn't know existed. It's all a mesh of moments, both good and bad, that I find keep my sobriety from become tattered. I appreciate the intricacies and continue to mend those holes that still exist.

So, today, I thank myself for every one of those moments in the past year that bring me to another milestone. I thank all the people I love, I've lost, I've forgiven. For all the moments this year, I am appreciative.

11 comments:

Rex said...

Way to Go! Four years - that is awesome! Keep on keeping on.....

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you.
Love you,
Jenny

nolesrock said...

congrats to you, sobriety girl...i share in the joy of your accomplishment, not because i'm a recovering alcoholic, but because i am a survivor of a different kind...kudos!

Amy said...

Congrats! Your sobriety is very inspirational to me.

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Wow sista - four years - that is awesome! Way to go!
I see you,
JJ

Rusty said...

What a great post! Congratulations on 4 years! As I approach my 1st sobriety birthday, thank you for sharing your insight and offering perspective.

ShankShot said...

Congrats

They told me almost 12 years ago that if I don't drink and don't die, I'll rack up some serious time.

Hang in there. The ups become less up and the downs become less down and the peaks and valleys are further apart.

Anonymous said...

Hello my old cobber...
I am so proud and happy for you ..
You have always been a great inspiration to me.. and I wish you all the very best in the coming year..
Wendy in Oz

40spoet said...

flying through sober blogger sites, i found yours. congratulations on four years. i had three years on feb 18th, and it is great. all the very best to you. enjoy the feeling of accomplishment, i know i do.

Faith said...

Four years!! Everywhere I go today, people are celebrating anniversaries! Congratulations, and all else I can say is I HOPE with all my heart to be where you are and have learned what you know by that time!

GinnFizz said...

Your blog was the first blog I searched and read on this thing. I just joined blogspot a couple of minutes ago. Reading your blog made me feel better. I am 32 and this Thursday will be 2 years and 4 months sober for me. I don't do AA or anything like that - went to 3 meetings at most and that was after one year... I have kept this recovery a very private, very inward experience .It helps me to see that its normal for a sober person to feel confused and lame sometimes. I have been feeling so blah lately, like yeah, big deal, so I dont drink anymore, how come I dont feel a sense of accomplishment? Maybe I am coming into the next phase or something. Thanks for being the first blog I came across....