A moment that changed my tears.

Yesterday, I drove home crying.
I was sad.
I was distraught about life.

Yesterday, the phone kept ringing.
My mother, my friend.
Chattering, chattering, chattering.
While I was consumed with my life.

Yesterday, I sat with a friend.
I was venting.
I was hurting.
I talked his ear off.

Yesterday, the phone rang again.
It was my friend’s mother.
His father had shot himself.

Silence.

One single moment.

Yesterday, I realized,
My worries were no longer significant.
My tears fell quickly for someone else.

Yesterday, he would change.
His father’s life,
Was more significant than the problems
I thought were important.

Yesterday, I sat in silence
As my friend left for his impending doom.

Yesterday, I cried for someone other than myself.
For the first time in five years, I looked to the sky,
And prayed for life.

A Letter.

Dear Life,

I am writing to apologize for neglecting you for the last few years. I am sorry that I have sat on the sideline and watched you go by as I sit in my own frenzy of overcommitment, emotional upheaval and dramatic intervals. So many times, I've missed you. So many times, I've wondered what it would be like to know you again. But, I've had my reasons to keep my distance. I had to go inside of myself and find out why I was put here to begin with.

In the last three years, I've needed the break. Being alone, being a spectator instead of a mad participant has given me the appreciation I once lacked. I now know how important you are to me.

You are the one relationship I cannot ignore. You are the one relationship that I must strive to have consistently in my everyday routine. And you are the one thing I can count on everyday.

So, I am ready to return to the land of the living. I am ready to participate with an open mind and an open heart.

I hope you are ready to jump back in and let me show you who I've become and how much I've changed. I do love you with such passion and zeal, that I couldn't be me without you.

Love,

Kim

Quote of the week.

"Unless you have integrity, being honest means nothing."

In one fleeting moment...

I grew a set of balls.
I decided to grab strength and fly solo.
I let go.
I became THAT woman.

and now...

I am ready.

Quote of the week.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
-Mahatma Gandhi

Walking in Sober Shoes.

When I first came into recovery in 2002, I manifested my addiction for alcohol into an addiction for buying shoes. For months in my early sobriety, I would scour the Internet for shoes. Used shoes. New Shoes. Ferragamo. Prada. Keds. Gucci. Anything. I quickly filled my closet with over fifty pairs.

And now, over three years later, I face the arduous task of throwing out my obsession from the beginning days of trying to walk in a different life. Most, if not all, of the shoes sit collecting dust in the bottom of my closet. A box sits outside waiting to go to the nearest Thrift Store for some other person's obsession. And the pure silliness of it makes me ponder why I was buying so frivolously

I think back to those early days. The times where I was trying so damn hard to do anything besides drink. Maybe it was an indication that I was trying to embark on a new path in life. Perhaps it was a hope that I was normal. That buying shoes would somehow ease the rough road I was faced with.

Today, I laugh at my insane shopping spree. To see a collection of my early days of sobriety makes me appreciate where I am today. These days, the only shoes I look to fill are sober shoes.

My sober shoes aren’t too hard to fill. I walk miles and miles through my life as a sober woman. I tread lightly on those paths that are painful and walk slowly through the magnificent times in my life. My steps are steadier than they were three years ago but every once in a while, I trip a bit on my journey. But, my sober shoes fit me to a tee. They are more comfortable than any other pair I have owned. They are slightly worn but sturdy. And I am able to travel well in my sober life.

And it represents how we do walk in this journey. That my shoes may be different than yours, but we all continue on this recovery path. It's a walk that I am grateful to be doing everyday of my life. Each day are new steps. Each mile is a battle won.

So, I no longer need the ridiculous culmination of my early recovery. I'm over it. Shoes are shoes and my dog eats most of them anyway. So, if anyone is looking for gently used size 9US Jimmy Choos, let me know, they are still in the box. I have my own pair that have grown into the perfect fit.

The Four Agreements.

I had to add this to the blogroll. I read this book about three years ago and still use these agreements today:

From the Four Agreements-
Everything we do is based on agreements we have made. In these agreements we tell
ourselves who we are, what everyone else is, how to act, what is possible, and
what is impossible. What we have agreed to believe creates what we experience.

When these agreements come from fear, blocks and obstacles develop keeping us from realizing our greatest potential.

Based on ancient Toltec wisdom , the Four Agreements offer a powerful code of
conduct that can rapidly transform our lives and our work into a new experience of effectiveness, balance and self supporting behavior.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and dram With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

The Four Agreements Site

henry bean. 

Love.

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
-Anna Louise Strong

Today, I realize that I appreciate the love that I have in my life. Whether it be distant love, love that surrounds me or love that has evolved into other forms. It's all love. And for that, I am grateful. And even in the face of adversity, love helps me to get through life. And in the wake of happiness, I live.

Letting Go.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

Prince Charming or someone like that.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”.
-Victor Hugo

I find myself in one of the most precarious positions in my relationship life thus far. For the first time, I am suddenly realizing that what I am getting from my relationship simply isn’t enough anymore.

How can that be? I should be happy that I have someone in my life. I should be elated that I have put closure to a long time love that I had grieved for the last three years. But, I think about the parameters of my current relationship and it just leaves me feeling empty. And it drives me nuts.

I sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face. Yes, I lost my father when I was young, so am I searching for him again? Do I have enough self worth to walk away from someone that cannot give me what I need? Am I too demanding to want respect and consistency in my life?

Ugh, the questions that go with responsible relationship analysis.

And what is it that we want in relationships. Acceptance for faults? Unconditional love? Someone to share our lives with?

Of course.

But, to put it simply, I want to be loved as much as I love. It’s been so long, I sometimes forget what it’s like to just relax and not do cartwheels in front of my significant other. I am trying to get him to love me with no avail because I am petrified of my other options. Perhaps it’s not him, but me who is afraid to commit to intimacy. And I know that something is probably not right between us, but I insist on finding out what exactly it is instead of letting go.

And why is that? What inside of my heart and mind that makes it so difficult to be with someone else? Why am I so scared of myself?

So, tonight, I am going to do my best to enjoy the company I keep. I will try and keep cartwheels to a bare minimum and enjoy what we do have. Either that or publish a WANTED poster for Prince Charming.