97.7 FM Interview Friday, December 28th

I am being interviewed for my sobriety work tomorrow morning at 735am on Adult Contemporary station 97.7 FM in the Hudson Valley. I will be speaking about tips for New Years as well.

Click here to go to their home page and listen live tomorrow morning:

http://www.mix97fm.com/

See you then!

A gift.

In the midst of trying to trying to deal with the immense end of the year crunch at work, dealing with parties I keep lugging my diet soda to, painting pictures for friends & family and the general hoopla that surrounds the holiday season, I realized that I forgot to give one gift.

It's not anything to wear or keep your head warm. It's not candy or food or some fine tea that I have given. It's not a gift card or purchase from a major department store.

This year, I have decided to wrap up an extra box and put it under my tree. Inside, a piece of paper with one word: SOBRIETY.

So often, we forget that being in recovery, being sober is a choice and it is indeed one of the greatest gifts we are able to give ourselves. There are times during the year where I am ready to throw in the towel, where frustration at being sober overrides the choice I made so many years ago.

In reality, being sober is what keeps me here. Being sober is what has shaped my life and allowed me to pursue the many aspriations I have. And being sober has given me so many other gifts; the people I meet, the e-mails, the support from so many and the knowledge that I wake up each morning again choosing to live my life in its true capacity.

Thank you all for sharing this gift with me. Thank you for allowing me to share my gift. And I truly hope that this year, you may open the same box as I.

This is what the holidays really mean to me. A box with the best present ever. Happy Holidays.

See you next week!

"The Conflict" Intellect v. Emotion

Intellect is defined as many things; knowledge, the capacity to understand, reason.

How does intellect differ from emotion? Do we think about feeling? Or do we simply think and feel as separate entities. This has always been a source on such conflict for me in my relationships with others.

Which rules? Intellect or emotion?

In my own intellect, I can rationalize so many elements and they all work. We fit. We are friends. Our goals are relatively simple within confounds of our connection. And I think about the relationship in logistics and the elements are all there.

e·mo·tion

–noun

1.	an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

2.	any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.

3.	any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes, as increased heartbeat or respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

4.	an instance of this.

5.	something that causes such a reaction: the powerful emotion of a great symphony.

---

In my emotion, I feel such power I run. I am unable to process emotion with an intellectual stronghold. I am able to think about the feeling, but I am unable to live within that emotion free of irrationality.

And thus the complication.

I think with such intensity. Thoughts about life run rampant through an already overzealous brain. I ponder. I analyze. Intellect is ingrained into the core of my body. But what about the feelings? Where do they play into an overactive mind? Are emotions compromised because of the intensity with which one thinks? Who wins within my heart, intellect or emotion? There is no compromise. No gray in a heart shaded in severity. Each battles and stands on firm ground with an army of reasons to win.

My relationships are a mess of all of these aforementioned proverbially posed questions. I believe that being in recovery sometimes blur the lines between the emotion and intellectual battle war waging in my head. Each interaction in my various relationships have posed this question. Am I allowing the right people in my life that these should not be questions but balances?

Hmm, I wonder at times. Emotions take the alpha position in my life and I accept that. The questions I now struggle with are how to have a successful relationship, on any level, by allowing intellect to play a larger role in my decisions.

The Journey

Another article that I have pulled out of the vault. I find it hard to believe that this was over three years ago when I wrote this. And how much the journey remains in tact.

Journeys
Over two and a half years ago, I started my journey into a new life.The beginning was the easiest leg of my journey. Results were tangible. Everyday I didn't drink, I was one step ahead of my life for the previous fifteen years. I went through physical changes; losing weight, my body detoxing, and patterns in my sleep changed significantly. The first few months I was able to see that my choice was a good one. Not drinking was the ONLY road I traveled on at that point.

After a few months, drinking was no longer the focus of my journey. The reality of my journey began to set in. I started walking through the weeds and bumbles of my life. I felt uprooted. Pieces of my past sprouted up along the way. I had to hack at them with all my strength to continue walking down the path I wanted to create. I was learning how to be sober.Being sober entails a bit more than not drinking. It means changing all things that are comfortable. It means leaving people who are harmful. Leaving old behaviours for new ones. Being sober means that you have left one life and began a new one. And at times, this decision that I had made weighed heavily on my heart.

Did I really want this life? Did I really want the stigma I thought was attached to being sober? I wrestled with my decisions every day of my life. Every step I made in one direction meant I was leaving a familiar place.

And the grieving began. I mourned the loss of my old life. I was waving goodbye to all those esoteric things that I had known for so long. Visions of my life before flooded my dreams. I was anxious. Guilty. Angry. But I muddled through this tumultuous part of the journey. I missed my old self. Missed the drama and dysfunction that I had deeply rooted myself in. But, somehow, I just kept moving forward until my pathway was free of past weeds. Suddenly, after a long period of mourning, I was walking with a lighter step.

After my first year, I started the next leg of my journey. Sobriety was easier. Not drinking was no longer an issue. Finding out who I was became the task. In doing this, I have walked down several paths. I have tested some directions that were unsuccessful. I used my art to help my find out what needed working on. I wrote and wrote until I was blue in the face. I read every book I could get my hands on. I diligently went to therapy. I asked questions. I was introspective. I looked for my spirituality. I posted. I chatted. All these things to find out who that person I had hidden away really was.

And for some reason, I hit a major roadblock. No longer was sobriety the focus on my life. I was just Kim. And that scared me so much, I almost faltered. I thought about sabotaging the work that I had done so I wouldn't find out who I was. I was petrified to peel the layers of my life. I had dreams that I was drinking again. I had thoughts of drinking all day and night. Anything, ANYTHING to keep myself from really knowing who I was. I did not believe I deserved the life I was living. It was a very painful leg of my journey. But, in the end, some strength inside of me took over. I never stepped off the path. I kept going in spite of the immense fear I felt.

And that brings me to now. Today, it's a slightly different story. I am on the journey to discover myself in the most pure and real form. I look forward to who I am and where I am meant to be. I live life with so much passion, I am exhausted at the end of the day. I kiss my nieces and nephews. I smile at the Gas Station guy. I no longer feel the need to escape myself and the choices I have made. Every choice I make is grounded in my new life. Believe me, I struggle still. But, it's such a real struggle that it feels so good when it's resolved with a clear mind and spirit. I am on the path to reformulating those things that are most important to me. I am walking towards the life I want. And my sneakers bear the brand of sobriety.

So, my journey may or may not be like yours. You maybe on Day one or Day one thousand. Everyday, it's a new path. New steps. And it's amazing to be able to say that we are able to see the changes and growth. We are fully aware, at every stage of this journey.