Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Awakening

I have had this dormant part of my core, my soul.. that comes from a long life of self deprecation, sadness and sabotages. It's been layered with fear and insecurity. Almost so dormant, I had forgotten those emotions that touch your soul.

And in my recovery, I have become very aware of this missing piece of me. The piece of me that allows happiness and love to flow back and forth, with smalls ebbs instead of tidal waves. The part of me that loves myself first and recognizes the qualities that make me tick. Simply, the dormant part of my core is the true and honest feelings of love.

For the last few years, I have seen myself grow with tremendous leaps and bounds. Yet, I had been living in a state of maintenance, allowing myself to become numb to the true touch of love inside me and the love that comes from others. I needed to hibernate from the emotional intensity I sometimes feel.

Today, I see this awakening. It's a faint glimpse, but the dormancy is dissipating slowly before my eyes. My ability to live my life in love. My ability to leave my life of maintenance for the touch of my own soul. I am truly amazed. And I feel a glimmer of happiness. It makes me smile ever so slighty. I am learning that to love is to touch one's soul and awake everything good and brilliantly alive.

Awakening

It is a gift that we all have that allows us to heal and learn to

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fireside

For the first time in a long time, I have made myself a fire for the evening. I am allowing myself to relax and be content, even if for one night!

And, it's Friday night. Life is good. Have a relaxing weekend.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Quote of the day.

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future you will gradually , without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

-Ranier Maria Rilke

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Power of One.

Close to six years ago, I was at this crossroad in my life. I had been begged, asked and demanded by many people around me to get sober. At the time, I didn't believe I had the strength to do it. I opted for the easy road of continuing my life of unhappiness and irresponsibility. I mulled over getting sober, but it was so much easier to make excuses as to why being sober wouldn't work for me. "My friends will ditch me" "I will be boring" "I don't want to know who I am sober" were some of the thoughts that ran through my head.

Aside from the obvious benefits of being sober, I reached very deeply within myself and made the decision to change my life. I bounded into the unknown and suddenly, I was facing a woman I knew very little about.

And over the last six years, since the beginning of my sobriety, I have had to face many similar decisions where I knew my life would completely change as a result of these decisions. And every time this comes up, I remember the one day I decided to get sober.

For the last two years, I knew I had to make another monumental change. I was scared. I was comfortable in the monotony of life. Comfortable being exactly where I was. And then, again, I reached into my heart and changed the circumstances of my life.

And here I am, still standing. Still strong. Still me. I very often take this power I have for granted. In reality, the power of our heart, the power of our will, is truly amazing. When we stand up for what we believe, what will make us the person we so want to be, we are allowing ourselves to open up to new opportunities in life.

Right now, I am so thankful I had the power in myself to move on. To be sober, be me and live exactly the life I want to.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Dreams

The other night, I had one of the most vivid dreams about drinking. It was intense. I could taste the alcohol in my semi-conscious state and actually woke up thinking that I was intoxicated.

It was so very strange, considering I don't necessarily remember what it feels like to be drunk. There were people around me and I was acting very much like I did as a drinking person.

So, I have been attempting to analyze WHY I was having such a vivid recollection of a time long gone and I came up with some key points.

When we are sober and we undergo any kind of life change, such as I did this weekend, moving and ending a long relationship, there are times when our dreams serve as a kind of subconscious therapist. I feared the move, I feared the break-up and was honestly scared of being alone again. In my dream, I was with my ex and acting out desperately to try and fix our relationship. Of course, in my dream, he was having no part of this due to my behavior. In reality, it was me who made the decision to leave. But, I still feel very responsible for a lot of the demise and I think this guilt may have manifested itself into such vivid images.

When we are sober, dreaming about drinking or being intoxicated is quite common. You've made the decision to stop drinking but the fact that being sober or alcohol is on the brain 24/7 may be a contributing factor.

We're human. Most of us dream. If I drink coffee before I go to bed, I am sure to have tumultuous dream. Perhaps its something chemical in the brain.

I was really spooked when I woke up. For a brief moment, my stress culminated into my past and it scared me awake. Plus, I was in a new house...new surroundings, new bed, new smells.

I've decided to write out the dream in my journal to keep a record of when events like this happen, it intrigues me. It's one of those things we can't control but can use to have yet another perspective on being sober.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Company Party.

Last night was our holiday party (we are an ad agency that likes to do things differently and have our party AFTER the holiday) and for the first time in many, many years I decided to go.

To be honest, I was dreading it all week. I am moving, I am in the process of ending a long, drawn out relationship that has been taxing for years and I generally feel more comfortable in a pair of jeans than heels. I've been feeling overwhelmed and going to a big party at a NYC hotspot sounded less enticing than sitting in front of the television moping.

BUT, it was work. AND, I decided I needed to do something to celebrate my newly single status.

I have to say, for the first time in many years, I had a fantastic time. At first, I was in my usual sober panic mode. I grabbed my diet coke in a martini glass and finished it before it left the bar. I returned for a highball glass with more caffeine. The only ones who really noticed were the bartenders who thought I was one of those quirky people who order things just to be a pain or pregnant with a penchant for high maintenance. However, I went through all my usual machinations about being sober in a place filled with people drinking and standing out like a sore thumb.

I think people were more struck by the fact that I was actually wearing a dress and full make-up more so than they were about the fact that I was not drinking. So, I had nothing to fall back on. My panic was unfounded. I was not alone in my sobriety, I was just uncomfortable for a hour or so.

And then I found the dance floor. I danced. I started a conga line. I shook and shimmied and did my finest roger rabbit from the '80s. It was pure elation.

From there, it got better. I decided to stop focusing on my comfort level and just enjoyed myself. A strange concept for one who looks for all reasons to skip out the door. I chatted and socialized with everyone, drinking or not drinking.

Towards the end of the party, I began to see the line blurring. Suddenly, the love between everyone grew like wildfire. Inhibitions were being lost. I was hysterical. I laughed so hard, I felt vicariously drunk. But, not a sappy "You are my best friend even though I've never seen you in office" came out of my mouth. I enjoyed everyone and even their transformations were slightly amusing.

I felt so happy and so proud. I maintained a sober dignity that had been hours lost by most. I was composed enough to slip out, get a cab and watch the last of Project Runway by 10pm.

Today, I am slightly enjoying the fact that I was here at 8am with no hangover and vivid, clear memories of one of the best nights out I've had in a long time.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Quote of the day.

"A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."
-Author unknown

Change

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown


This week, I am changing the course of my life...Again. The roller coaster I feel is unbelievable. I am leaving

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Phew....

I think every year when the holidays end, I breathe a large exasperated sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong, I was off for almost two weeks. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrapped gifts with as much zeal as one could muster when the holidays remind them of days gone by. I watched all the TV I need for the year and tried to remind myself that 2008 was quickly approaching.

I even went to the Emergency room for a busted ankle and rode the halls up and down in a wheelchair, letting everyone know that this was an accident not caused by alcohol (the looks I got were indeed strange). This lay up is the reason I was so remiss about posting.

And I was able to meet the great folks at 97.7 (thanks guys) and run them ragged with my chatter at 715am. I had a great time speaking before New Years and the interview is actually at http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/artikkel?Dato=20071231&Kategori=VIDEO01&Lopenr=312310002&Ref=AR if you'd like to hear what was discussed.

So, as always at the beginning of the year, I set my goals for the next twelve months. This started when I decided that I had a better shot at attaining goals that I set than sticking to any resolution I may have made. This year, I have set my goals for sobriety, my health and well being and where I think I should be emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Each time I set a goal I write two actionable statements below the goal. For instance, my first goal is to be sober in 2008 (a fulfilled goal for the last six years). Two actions that will help me achieve this were: 1. Maintain blog and write book 2. Remind yourself everyday that you deserve to be sober.

I will post an article I wrote years ago on goal setting in early sobriety this evening when I am home. I have finally transferred all of my writings from an old Dell to a new Mac.

Happy New Year to everyone. Thank you for being here in 2008.

Kim

The Last Glass

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