The Company Party.

Last night was our holiday party (we are an ad agency that likes to do things differently and have our party AFTER the holiday) and for the first time in many, many years I decided to go.

To be honest, I was dreading it all week. I am moving, I am in the process of ending a long, drawn out relationship that has been taxing for years and I generally feel more comfortable in a pair of jeans than heels. I've been feeling overwhelmed and going to a big party at a NYC hotspot sounded less enticing than sitting in front of the television moping.

BUT, it was work. AND, I decided I needed to do something to celebrate my newly single status.

I have to say, for the first time in many years, I had a fantastic time. At first, I was in my usual sober panic mode. I grabbed my diet coke in a martini glass and finished it before it left the bar. I returned for a highball glass with more caffeine. The only ones who really noticed were the bartenders who thought I was one of those quirky people who order things just to be a pain or pregnant with a penchant for high maintenance. However, I went through all my usual machinations about being sober in a place filled with people drinking and standing out like a sore thumb.

I think people were more struck by the fact that I was actually wearing a dress and full make-up more so than they were about the fact that I was not drinking. So, I had nothing to fall back on. My panic was unfounded. I was not alone in my sobriety, I was just uncomfortable for a hour or so.

And then I found the dance floor. I danced. I started a conga line. I shook and shimmied and did my finest roger rabbit from the '80s. It was pure elation.

From there, it got better. I decided to stop focusing on my comfort level and just enjoyed myself. A strange concept for one who looks for all reasons to skip out the door. I chatted and socialized with everyone, drinking or not drinking.

Towards the end of the party, I began to see the line blurring. Suddenly, the love between everyone grew like wildfire. Inhibitions were being lost. I was hysterical. I laughed so hard, I felt vicariously drunk. But, not a sappy "You are my best friend even though I've never seen you in office" came out of my mouth. I enjoyed everyone and even their transformations were slightly amusing.

I felt so happy and so proud. I maintained a sober dignity that had been hours lost by most. I was composed enough to slip out, get a cab and watch the last of Project Runway by 10pm.

Today, I am slightly enjoying the fact that I was here at 8am with no hangover and vivid, clear memories of one of the best nights out I've had in a long time.

Quote of the day.

"A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."
-Author unknown

Change

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown

This week, I am changing the course of my life...Again. The roller coaster I feel is unbelievable. I am leaving

Phew....

I think every year when the holidays end, I breathe a large exasperated sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong, I was off for almost two weeks. I cooked, I cleaned, I wrapped gifts with as much zeal as one could muster when the holidays remind them of days gone by. I watched all the TV I need for the year and tried to remind myself that 2008 was quickly approaching.

I even went to the Emergency room for a busted ankle and rode the halls up and down in a wheelchair, letting everyone know that this was an accident not caused by alcohol (the looks I got were indeed strange). This lay up is the reason I was so remiss about posting.

And I was able to meet the great folks at 97.7 (thanks guys) and run them ragged with my chatter at 715am. I had a great time speaking before New Years and the interview is actually at http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/artikkel?Dato=20071231&Kategori=VIDEO01&Lopenr=312310002&Ref=AR if you'd like to hear what was discussed.

So, as always at the beginning of the year, I set my goals for the next twelve months. This started when I decided that I had a better shot at attaining goals that I set than sticking to any resolution I may have made. This year, I have set my goals for sobriety, my health and well being and where I think I should be emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Each time I set a goal I write two actionable statements below the goal. For instance, my first goal is to be sober in 2008 (a fulfilled goal for the last six years). Two actions that will help me achieve this were: 1. Maintain blog and write book 2. Remind yourself everyday that you deserve to be sober.

I will post an article I wrote years ago on goal setting in early sobriety this evening when I am home. I have finally transferred all of my writings from an old Dell to a new Mac.

Happy New Year to everyone. Thank you for being here in 2008.

Kim

97.7 FM Interview Friday, December 28th

I am being interviewed for my sobriety work tomorrow morning at 735am on Adult Contemporary station 97.7 FM in the Hudson Valley. I will be speaking about tips for New Years as well.

Click here to go to their home page and listen live tomorrow morning:

http://www.mix97fm.com/

See you then!

A gift.

In the midst of trying to trying to deal with the immense end of the year crunch at work, dealing with parties I keep lugging my diet soda to, painting pictures for friends & family and the general hoopla that surrounds the holiday season, I realized that I forgot to give one gift.

It's not anything to wear or keep your head warm. It's not candy or food or some fine tea that I have given. It's not a gift card or purchase from a major department store.

This year, I have decided to wrap up an extra box and put it under my tree. Inside, a piece of paper with one word: SOBRIETY.

So often, we forget that being in recovery, being sober is a choice and it is indeed one of the greatest gifts we are able to give ourselves. There are times during the year where I am ready to throw in the towel, where frustration at being sober overrides the choice I made so many years ago.

In reality, being sober is what keeps me here. Being sober is what has shaped my life and allowed me to pursue the many aspriations I have. And being sober has given me so many other gifts; the people I meet, the e-mails, the support from so many and the knowledge that I wake up each morning again choosing to live my life in its true capacity.

Thank you all for sharing this gift with me. Thank you for allowing me to share my gift. And I truly hope that this year, you may open the same box as I.

This is what the holidays really mean to me. A box with the best present ever. Happy Holidays.

See you next week!

"The Conflict" Intellect v. Emotion

Intellect is defined as many things; knowledge, the capacity to understand, reason.

How does intellect differ from emotion? Do we think about feeling? Or do we simply think and feel as separate entities. This has always been a source on such conflict for me in my relationships with others.

Which rules? Intellect or emotion?

In my own intellect, I can rationalize so many elements and they all work. We fit. We are friends. Our goals are relatively simple within confounds of our connection. And I think about the relationship in logistics and the elements are all there.

e·mo·tion

–noun

1.	an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

2.	any of the feelings of joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc.

3.	any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes, as increased heartbeat or respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

4.	an instance of this.

5.	something that causes such a reaction: the powerful emotion of a great symphony.

---

In my emotion, I feel such power I run. I am unable to process emotion with an intellectual stronghold. I am able to think about the feeling, but I am unable to live within that emotion free of irrationality.

And thus the complication.

I think with such intensity. Thoughts about life run rampant through an already overzealous brain. I ponder. I analyze. Intellect is ingrained into the core of my body. But what about the feelings? Where do they play into an overactive mind? Are emotions compromised because of the intensity with which one thinks? Who wins within my heart, intellect or emotion? There is no compromise. No gray in a heart shaded in severity. Each battles and stands on firm ground with an army of reasons to win.

My relationships are a mess of all of these aforementioned proverbially posed questions. I believe that being in recovery sometimes blur the lines between the emotion and intellectual battle war waging in my head. Each interaction in my various relationships have posed this question. Am I allowing the right people in my life that these should not be questions but balances?

Hmm, I wonder at times. Emotions take the alpha position in my life and I accept that. The questions I now struggle with are how to have a successful relationship, on any level, by allowing intellect to play a larger role in my decisions.