Friday, February 08, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Awakening
I have had this dormant part of my core, my soul.. that comes from a long life of self deprecation, sadness and sabotages. It's been layered with fear and insecurity. Almost so dormant, I had forgotten those emotions that touch your soul.
And in my recovery, I have become very aware of this missing piece of me. The piece of me that allows happiness and love to flow back and forth, with smalls ebbs instead of tidal waves. The part of me that loves myself first and recognizes the qualities that make me tick. Simply, the dormant part of my core is the true and honest feelings of love.
For the last few years, I have seen myself grow with tremendous leaps and bounds. Yet, I had been living in a state of maintenance, allowing myself to become numb to the true touch of love inside me and the love that comes from others. I needed to hibernate from the emotional intensity I sometimes feel.
Today, I see this awakening. It's a faint glimpse, but the dormancy is dissipating slowly before my eyes. My ability to live my life in love. My ability to leave my life of maintenance for the touch of my own soul. I am truly amazed. And I feel a glimmer of happiness. It makes me smile ever so slighty. I am learning that to love is to touch one's soul and awake everything good and brilliantly alive.
And in my recovery, I have become very aware of this missing piece of me. The piece of me that allows happiness and love to flow back and forth, with smalls ebbs instead of tidal waves. The part of me that loves myself first and recognizes the qualities that make me tick. Simply, the dormant part of my core is the true and honest feelings of love.
For the last few years, I have seen myself grow with tremendous leaps and bounds. Yet, I had been living in a state of maintenance, allowing myself to become numb to the true touch of love inside me and the love that comes from others. I needed to hibernate from the emotional intensity I sometimes feel.
Today, I see this awakening. It's a faint glimpse, but the dormancy is dissipating slowly before my eyes. My ability to live my life in love. My ability to leave my life of maintenance for the touch of my own soul. I am truly amazed. And I feel a glimmer of happiness. It makes me smile ever so slighty. I am learning that to love is to touch one's soul and awake everything good and brilliantly alive.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Fireside
For the first time in a long time, I have made myself a fire for the evening. I am allowing myself to relax and be content, even if for one night!
And, it's Friday night. Life is good. Have a relaxing weekend.
And, it's Friday night. Life is good. Have a relaxing weekend.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Quote of the day.
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future you will gradually , without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."
-Ranier Maria Rilke
Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future you will gradually , without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."
-Ranier Maria Rilke
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The Power of One.
Close to six years ago, I was at this crossroad in my life. I had been begged, asked and demanded by many people around me to get sober. At the time, I didn't believe I had the strength to do it. I opted for the easy road of continuing my life of unhappiness and irresponsibility. I mulled over getting sober, but it was so much easier to make excuses as to why being sober wouldn't work for me. "My friends will ditch me" "I will be boring" "I don't want to know who I am sober" were some of the thoughts that ran through my head.
Aside from the obvious benefits of being sober, I reached very deeply within myself and made the decision to change my life. I bounded into the unknown and suddenly, I was facing a woman I knew very little about.
And over the last six years, since the beginning of my sobriety, I have had to face many similar decisions where I knew my life would completely change as a result of these decisions. And every time this comes up, I remember the one day I decided to get sober.
For the last two years, I knew I had to make another monumental change. I was scared. I was comfortable in the monotony of life. Comfortable being exactly where I was. And then, again, I reached into my heart and changed the circumstances of my life.
And here I am, still standing. Still strong. Still me. I very often take this power I have for granted. In reality, the power of our heart, the power of our will, is truly amazing. When we stand up for what we believe, what will make us the person we so want to be, we are allowing ourselves to open up to new opportunities in life.
Right now, I am so thankful I had the power in myself to move on. To be sober, be me and live exactly the life I want to.
Aside from the obvious benefits of being sober, I reached very deeply within myself and made the decision to change my life. I bounded into the unknown and suddenly, I was facing a woman I knew very little about.
And over the last six years, since the beginning of my sobriety, I have had to face many similar decisions where I knew my life would completely change as a result of these decisions. And every time this comes up, I remember the one day I decided to get sober.
For the last two years, I knew I had to make another monumental change. I was scared. I was comfortable in the monotony of life. Comfortable being exactly where I was. And then, again, I reached into my heart and changed the circumstances of my life.
And here I am, still standing. Still strong. Still me. I very often take this power I have for granted. In reality, the power of our heart, the power of our will, is truly amazing. When we stand up for what we believe, what will make us the person we so want to be, we are allowing ourselves to open up to new opportunities in life.
Right now, I am so thankful I had the power in myself to move on. To be sober, be me and live exactly the life I want to.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Dreams
The other night, I had one of the most vivid dreams about drinking. It was intense. I could taste the alcohol in my semi-conscious state and actually woke up thinking that I was intoxicated.
It was so very strange, considering I don't necessarily remember what it feels like to be drunk. There were people around me and I was acting very much like I did as a drinking person.
So, I have been attempting to analyze WHY I was having such a vivid recollection of a time long gone and I came up with some key points.
When we are sober and we undergo any kind of life change, such as I did this weekend, moving and ending a long relationship, there are times when our dreams serve as a kind of subconscious therapist. I feared the move, I feared the break-up and was honestly scared of being alone again. In my dream, I was with my ex and acting out desperately to try and fix our relationship. Of course, in my dream, he was having no part of this due to my behavior. In reality, it was me who made the decision to leave. But, I still feel very responsible for a lot of the demise and I think this guilt may have manifested itself into such vivid images.
When we are sober, dreaming about drinking or being intoxicated is quite common. You've made the decision to stop drinking but the fact that being sober or alcohol is on the brain 24/7 may be a contributing factor.
We're human. Most of us dream. If I drink coffee before I go to bed, I am sure to have tumultuous dream. Perhaps its something chemical in the brain.
I was really spooked when I woke up. For a brief moment, my stress culminated into my past and it scared me awake. Plus, I was in a new house...new surroundings, new bed, new smells.
I've decided to write out the dream in my journal to keep a record of when events like this happen, it intrigues me. It's one of those things we can't control but can use to have yet another perspective on being sober.
It was so very strange, considering I don't necessarily remember what it feels like to be drunk. There were people around me and I was acting very much like I did as a drinking person.
So, I have been attempting to analyze WHY I was having such a vivid recollection of a time long gone and I came up with some key points.
When we are sober and we undergo any kind of life change, such as I did this weekend, moving and ending a long relationship, there are times when our dreams serve as a kind of subconscious therapist. I feared the move, I feared the break-up and was honestly scared of being alone again. In my dream, I was with my ex and acting out desperately to try and fix our relationship. Of course, in my dream, he was having no part of this due to my behavior. In reality, it was me who made the decision to leave. But, I still feel very responsible for a lot of the demise and I think this guilt may have manifested itself into such vivid images.
When we are sober, dreaming about drinking or being intoxicated is quite common. You've made the decision to stop drinking but the fact that being sober or alcohol is on the brain 24/7 may be a contributing factor.
We're human. Most of us dream. If I drink coffee before I go to bed, I am sure to have tumultuous dream. Perhaps its something chemical in the brain.
I was really spooked when I woke up. For a brief moment, my stress culminated into my past and it scared me awake. Plus, I was in a new house...new surroundings, new bed, new smells.
I've decided to write out the dream in my journal to keep a record of when events like this happen, it intrigues me. It's one of those things we can't control but can use to have yet another perspective on being sober.
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