the last glass.

People have requested that I post this again, I wrote this story years ago.....


I started with twenty-four. Twenty-four Waterford wine glasses. It was weeks before my wedding to the man I so arduously loved. Some were gifts from my family. Many were gifts from our friends. The blue boxes with white ribbon poured in like the wine collection I so astutely built. I took each one out of the box, unwrapping their delicate tissue. The chardonnay glasses with their spindled stems- as if ready to be caressed by the sophisticated hand. Waiting for the candlelight to pour through, reflecting romantic evenings. The cabernet glasses with their wide mouths waiting for a supple reward. I could tilt the glass back to meet the succulence in my lips. Finally, my most cherished eight..the Bordeaux glasses. They were the generals in my army. The glasses were heavier in weight yet far more elegant than the rest. I sat waiting for the right vintage to begin my revolution.

I whimpered when I broke the first six. Three months after my nuptials to the man I thought I loved. The expensive vintage collection began to dwindle. In its place came the bottles that I found at a local winery. Not a bottle from Georges Duboeuf, but some fine wine. A large soiree, friends mingling around the fire. Forbidden fruit poured endlessly by the gracious host, who was subsequently in the Garden of Eden herself. Words began to unfold and emotions began to erupt. First went the chardonnays. Thrown with such vigilance. Aimed right at my beloveds head. There went two hundred dollars towards the refrigerator door. Tearfully, I swept up the shards of glass. But, alas there were eighteen more. I still had the reds. In my battle, I had lost a troupe but still had soldiers.

I cried when I broke the next four. In the early light of spring, I reached for a glass. My coordination stifled by my constant imbibing. I poured a bottle of inexpensive cabernet into my tall glass. I no longer took trips to the winery anymore. I had been there far too often; my face was beginning to be recognized by the patrons. I searched for replacements and conjured up my imaginary wineries in Southern France. I could pretend. I could pretend that my wine rack was not empty. I could pretend that I was not alone. I was drinking away the grief that his silence caused. The grace of the Waterford could not still my shaking hands. I dropped them. Four of my best friends dropped in one evening. With such ferocity, I tried to save them. I had my own personal drunken funeral for my glasses. Tossed into the trash compactor.

I sobbed when he took the next eight. Fall had come. He left with the decanter. The wonderful Waterford decanter. With it etchings so meticulously set in the glass. He lovingly wrapped up the reds and left me with six. He continued the romance, the love affair with elegance and sonnets. Only, my glasses were now empty on the shelf. No life seeped into them. No reflection from candles would burn again. Dust began to choke my thirst. And the flames had been extinguished. Candlelight would no longer pour through the same glass. The wine bottles taken to a new place. To begin a new life. Without me.

I panicked when I broke the next five. One more left. I no longer looked at the glasses with a fervent eye. I used them for anything that could numb the pain. Vineyards had stopped producing the fruit of my garden. In its place found the weeds of alcohols existence. I could only bring myself to lift the glass if it contained venom. I had begun to despise the glasses for the life that used to be contained in them. Glamour had ceased to exist. The clanging of glasses was not in toast but in concerted effort to forget celebration. If the glass was not full, I panicked. Pouring into the loneliest, endless black hole. But not even the last of the glasses could sustain the ache. I threw them in angst. Threw them into the floor as if I could demolish my past. As if I could break this state of destruction. Angry rants begot sophisticated conversation. The stems became daggers into my own heart. One final glass remained.

I rejoiced when the last one broke. It stood on the shelf. An icon to my former life. I worshipped the last glass as if it was on a pedestal. Like a far removed screen star. I looked lovingly at the shining reflection every evening. Yet, I hadnt touched it in months. Hadnt caressed its sleek, smooth body. A friend from my old life came. She let it go. It slipped out of her hand. I watched it. I saw its demise. Falling, falling, it shattered into tiny pieces. The stem no longer recognizable. The body marred. Suddenly in one moment, the pieces were gone in the trash. I had scraped them up and thrown them into the past. I looked up. My heart lifted. The war was over. The Waterford was gone. The whites, the reds gone from my life. The wine defeated. Swept up into a pile and discarded into the past. I smiled.


My glass was empty. My life was full.


copyright, kjpartstudio 2008

Artwork

I'm finally getting my artwork together and have added an album on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=100616&l=00cef&id=759620569

Life Ahead

At this very moment, I am sitting here truly feeling a sense of self awareness. The emotions I feel are mixed at this point; Past failures, present life and the future that is before me.

All the pieces are there, it's a matter of allowing them to fall into place. Life is ahead, not behind.

Right now, I am ready for the things that are infinitely possible. Available. There for those who choose to move forward.

I am feeling grateful and my faith is creeping back into my heart.

Thank you.

One foot in the past.....

For as long as I can remember, I have always kept one foot in the past, while trying to walk forward in my life.

Given, many of the anchors in our past are good memories, significant events and life lessons. These are things we tend to incorporate into our core being. We thrive on those memories and life events. We smile or laugh.

But, there are times when keeping the past close is more detrimental than character building. I'm guilty. When things get tough, I tend to crawl into the hole of bad memories and pain that I should have left behind years ago. It's always been a comfortable place for me. But, the side effects from this are far reaching. Dwelling, self deprecation, negativity, hindrance.

Not long after I left my ex, a few months ago, I decided that I was moving on...in more ways than one. If I wanted a healthy relationship, I had to let go. If I wanted to be happy, I had to let go. If I didn't, I felt as if I would keep repeating all the patterns in my life, regardless of the fact that I was sober.

And so, I made the decision to take my damn foot out of the past and start moving, I mean really moving, into the future.

Here I am, three months later, in a completely different life emotionally. It's strange how you can make a commitment like that and if followed, actually works! I still have to drag the foot out, particularly when life becomes stressful. But, it's worth it. It's liberating.

So, instead of anchoring life, set it free. Move on, walk on and keep moving forward is my mantra of the week.

Winter Blahs

On top of on-going recovery, life, work and any other variables that contribute to ones happiness or frustration, I find that this time of year is particularly stressful.

Personally, I've been sick for the last three weeks. At times, really sick. Other times, partially sick. There is no movement, anywhere it seems. It's cold and dark. Snow keeps piling up. Heating bills pile up even quicker. And it seems that it's all just depressed, everywhere.

And there are times that I just feel like crawling in a hole until spring comes.

In reality, even the winter blahs have their advantages. I find this to be a fairly creative time in life. While everything is dormant, we are able to allow ourselves a brief moment of respite from the world. I stay in. I eat comfort food. I raid all my drawers for things to purge. I catch up on all the TV I never watch.

All of this in preparation for a warmer, lighter season. At least in the winter, there are no barbecues to worry about toting along the diet coke. At least now is a time to focus on intimate relationships instead of the roaring days of summer socializing. Walks in the snow can be invigorating. Winter does have some advantages.

And sometimes being near that darkness we feel isn't necessarily a bad thing. It reminds us that we are human. That we have conflict and doubt.

It just allows being sober, being human to seem real.

Now, if it would just get warmer, I could delete this pessimistic post.

Quote of the day.

"When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out."

- Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973)

Six Years

Today, I have hit another milestone in my life. Without much fanfare, without much to do, today is the day six years ago that I changed every aspect of my life.

There is a certain amount of contentment that has begun to creep into my life. I celebrate this day by allowing myself to realize that I have and have had the capability to drastically change variables in my life to live fully and freely of the darkness I have felt.

I believe that the problems, the tragedies and the issues that have always been present in my life, truly manifested themselves into my need to drink. I don't believe that drinking was as much the problem as my need to escape the reality I was fearful of.

Simply, I could not deal with myself. The consequences of this were at times, dire and so deeply self deprecating. So, I drank. And that led to the weeded path of irresponsibility.

Today, after six years, the problems, the issues and the tragedies, still exist. My insecurities and my fears are still present in my life. But, it has been over the last years that I have finally begun allowing them their places in my life and letting go of the pain that I could previously not disassociate.

I am happy. I am content. I am so proud of the awareness that surrounds me. This has come from six years of hard, insightful work to bring out who I fully believe I am and who I continue to aspire to be.

The people in my life who have stood with me, walked with me, tripped with me that make this journey so amazing. I am no longer overwhelmed with sadness, I am truly overwhelmed by appreciation for the life I now live.

Thank you.