Over the few months, I have enjoyed a great deal of solitude in my daily life. This is never something that I have been comfortable with as being alone for any length of time causes anxiety within me. As I sit on the train during my long commute home, I feel trapped within the confines of my own thoughts...not good for someone who dissects every aspect of their existence.
Being in recovery has taught me that being alone is not an emotional jail sentence. I have gotten to know myself pretty well over the last few years and spending time alone is a lot more content without the drama going on inside my head. And spending time with oneself is essential, particularly in recovery. It means making time to nurture and love yourself. This weekend, I painted. I planted tomatoes. I cooked breakfast for myself and read the paper. I wrote a long entry in my journal. And while I had a bit of socializing, I was mainly solo for the entire weekend. And it was blissful.
These are all little things we tend to forget about in the craziness of daily life. Take time for yourself. Five minutes or five hours, it's making a concerted effort to do one thing that involves only you. And it works wonders.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
The Stigma of Being Sober.
The following are actual snippets over the last six years from people reacting to the fact that I don't drink:
"Are you boring?"
"When are you due?" (I'm not)
"I can't BELIEVE you don't drink, what's wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry"
"So, when do you think you'll drink again?"
"That sucks....." (said person ignoring me for the rest of the evening)
"Come on, you don't have a problem"
"Wow, you must hate your life"
In the last six and a half years, because of my decision to be sober...and publicly sober, I have had the interesting experience of mentally collecting people's reactions to my recovery. And in doing so, I have become too aware of how people react when I tell them I don't drink.
When I first became sober, I was twenty seven. In the world today, particularly in our society, there are not many twenty seven year old women who can manage sobriety and being social without feeling the wrath of discrimination. Even twenty something starlets have a difficult time in the celebrity obsessed media realm handling their own recovery. At that age, it was difficult. I was newly single after my divorce. I wanted to maintain my social life, but being sober was my first priority. To do this successfully, I cut out many of the old haunts and the majority of my toxic friends. Even still, I found there to be a great stigma suddenly attached to who I was.
People wanted to know what made me like this. What possibly could have happened to me to cause such a drastic change in my life. Had I gotten a disease? There were times I flat out lied....."I'm training for something" or "I am taking a break". It was as if there needed to be a horrible, melodramatic explanation to cause me to cease a life of total irresponsibility.
There were some people, and still are, that would look at me sideways. I have gotten high fives to looks of disgust. I have had to answer questions, tell my life story, dodge out of places and look to other people for conversation. "Oh, you must have had a difficult childhood" or "You graduated from college and are an alcoholic?" I cannot tell you some of the crazy questions and perceptions that I have gathered over the years. It blows my mind.
"Are you boring?"
"When are you due?" (I'm not)
"I can't BELIEVE you don't drink, what's wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry"
"So, when do you think you'll drink again?"
"That sucks....." (said person ignoring me for the rest of the evening)
"Come on, you don't have a problem"
"Wow, you must hate your life"
In the last six and a half years, because of my decision to be sober...and publicly sober, I have had the interesting experience of mentally collecting people's reactions to my recovery. And in doing so, I have become too aware of how people react when I tell them I don't drink.
When I first became sober, I was twenty seven. In the world today, particularly in our society, there are not many twenty seven year old women who can manage sobriety and being social without feeling the wrath of discrimination. Even twenty something starlets have a difficult time in the celebrity obsessed media realm handling their own recovery. At that age, it was difficult. I was newly single after my divorce. I wanted to maintain my social life, but being sober was my first priority. To do this successfully, I cut out many of the old haunts and the majority of my toxic friends. Even still, I found there to be a great stigma suddenly attached to who I was.
People wanted to know what made me like this. What possibly could have happened to me to cause such a drastic change in my life. Had I gotten a disease? There were times I flat out lied....."I'm training for something" or "I am taking a break". It was as if there needed to be a horrible, melodramatic explanation to cause me to cease a life of total irresponsibility.
There were some people, and still are, that would look at me sideways. I have gotten high fives to looks of disgust. I have had to answer questions, tell my life story, dodge out of places and look to other people for conversation. "Oh, you must have had a difficult childhood" or "You graduated from college and are an alcoholic?" I cannot tell you some of the crazy questions and perceptions that I have gathered over the years. It blows my mind.
Six years later, aside from battling the fact that every day of my life I would like to drink, I battle my own insecurities about being sober with the perception that others have of my choice. It's no longer as easy as early sobriety because I am fully integrated back into my life. I work in the advertising industry, with all its bells and whistles. I travel to hotels with mini-bars (I call and have it restocked with Diet Coke). I allow myself to go out where alcohol is served. I date men that drink normally. These are all choices that I have made to allow myself the freedom of living responsibly in the life that I want.
And with this, I live with discrimination every day. There are still parties that I am not invited to for fear that I may relapse (I don't plan on it, but telling that to some bigwig throwing a high end party doesn't work). I find that it has become my task to ensure that other people are comfortable with my decision at times.
In all of this turmoil, however, there is a drive that being sober has instilled within my core being. I am public about being sober and this works for me. I am convinced that I can change the perceptions of the people I meet. And I am determined to exist in this very hyped drinking world and remain a pillar in my own recovery beliefs.
It's not a stigma. If something doesn't work in life, one generally tries to fix it. Same with being an alcoholic. I was a broken, shattered twenty seven year old woman that would have either lost all my marbles or died if I didn't change the variables. So, I became the proverbial tool girl and gave myself the resources and strength I needed to stop.
While I live with all the conversations, perceptions and stigmas, I knowthat I am the only one who is responsible for my happiness. And to be happy, I cannot drink. I believe that being sober is a great existence. The self awareness and love for my life overcome most of the difficulties associated with being sober. The people I've met on my recovery journey are some of the most creative, articulate, passionate and successful people in the world.
And the resources and publicity that surround recovery, if it keeps gaining more respect to be sober, will overcome the negativity that people associate with the choice to be sober. At some point, I am hopeful and optimistic, being sober will be viewed by those people who still drink, as simply a good, healthy choice.
If not, I will personally continue to crusade the fact that recovery is amazing and very very cool. And I will continue to listen to the ridiculous reactions from people in hopes of compiling one of the funniest anecdotal books ever. And when I make my first million off of it, I will laugh.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Radio Appearance
I will be on the radio May 9th @ 7:35am. The link to the site is http://www.mix97fm.com/PAGES/morningmix.htm. Bob Miller is a great morning host!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Enough is enough.
One of the many things that I found dysfunctional in my life as an active alcoholic was the serious inability I had to decipher when it was simply time to let go of a negative situation.
In the past, I clung with all my might to maintain and keep close those elements in my life that weren't working. My marriage? I knew it was over so long before and did nothing but live in misery. My toxic friends and relationships? Held them around for as long as possible. It's as if I needed the self-deprecation and pain in my life. It's familiar. And it's a comfort zone that I very rarely traveled from.
When I became sober, it was very obvious to see which of these relationships and situations I needed to shed. I was beginning recovery and everything had that "new car" smell to it. I changed my life with one drastic measure, so dumping all the toxicity was easy at the time. I was on a serious mission to rid my life of all the negativity.
Years later, the "pink cloud" that is analogous to the "new car" smell has dissipated significantly. The benchmarks of what I accomplish are no longer measured in leaps and bounds. And I have found it very easy for old emotional habits to come creeping back into life when least expected.
However, while old habits do creep through, I have learned to move out of that dismal comfort zone in which I have lived so much of my life. If a relationship is no longer healthy, I will eventually let it go. If I feel self destruction coming around the bend, I do my best to counter it with something that is constructive.
This weekend, it happened. I stood ground for what could evolve into unhealthiness. I made a decision and will stick by it, for the good of myself and necessity of successful recovery. And in the process, the feelings of sadness carry only the weight of loss. There is no weight of maintaining the dysfunction, no weight to carry knowing that I could not control my own situation and ultimate goal of happiness.
And to recognize this has allowed a variation of that early "pink cloud" I once felt. And it's good to know that being sober has given me the tools to process, grieve and let it go.
In the past, I clung with all my might to maintain and keep close those elements in my life that weren't working. My marriage? I knew it was over so long before and did nothing but live in misery. My toxic friends and relationships? Held them around for as long as possible. It's as if I needed the self-deprecation and pain in my life. It's familiar. And it's a comfort zone that I very rarely traveled from.
When I became sober, it was very obvious to see which of these relationships and situations I needed to shed. I was beginning recovery and everything had that "new car" smell to it. I changed my life with one drastic measure, so dumping all the toxicity was easy at the time. I was on a serious mission to rid my life of all the negativity.
Years later, the "pink cloud" that is analogous to the "new car" smell has dissipated significantly. The benchmarks of what I accomplish are no longer measured in leaps and bounds. And I have found it very easy for old emotional habits to come creeping back into life when least expected.
However, while old habits do creep through, I have learned to move out of that dismal comfort zone in which I have lived so much of my life. If a relationship is no longer healthy, I will eventually let it go. If I feel self destruction coming around the bend, I do my best to counter it with something that is constructive.
This weekend, it happened. I stood ground for what could evolve into unhealthiness. I made a decision and will stick by it, for the good of myself and necessity of successful recovery. And in the process, the feelings of sadness carry only the weight of loss. There is no weight of maintaining the dysfunction, no weight to carry knowing that I could not control my own situation and ultimate goal of happiness.
And to recognize this has allowed a variation of that early "pink cloud" I once felt. And it's good to know that being sober has given me the tools to process, grieve and let it go.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
A new painting.
It's been two years since I have painted anything more than a small watercolor.
Today, I finally got my paintbrush out and just let emotion flow through the brush. These are the times I thank being sober.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
When is it drama?
Last night I was sitting in an airport waiting to fly home from an exhausting business trip. I had traveled on four planes in less than twenty four hours. I had been to nine meetings, two time zones, dinner, work and more work. I was spent.
As I sat waiting for the inevitable delay on my last leg of the journey, I became extremely emotional. Tears were flowing and I started conjuring up self deprecating thoughts...making myself feel even more exhausted.
Then I thought, why do I do this? What is causing me to sit in this airport drudging up things past? Did it matter that when I was twelve, I sat on a plane traveling alone, crying for hours because I was flying away from my best friend? Did it really need to affect me over twenty years later?
I was, emotionally, all over the place. From getting ready to rage on the person listening to their ipod next to me, to feeling wistful for some time in my childhood.
So, I decided to be rational and think about why I was creating even more drama for myself. I mean, I had just had enough with all the business and travel I was doing. Why would I want to subject myself to any further frustration?
Years ago, I would have thrived on this. I would have gone into full "feel sorry for myself" mode and began the arduous process of serious self deprecation. A place I was brink of going last evening. For some reason, I just didn't feeling like allowing myself to go there. It seemed tortuous. In some moment of sheer revelation, I decided to stop and think for a moment instead of running full steam into my internal diatribe.
First, I took inventory of all the physiological; I was tired. Hungry. Aching from seats too small and multiple flight segments. These alone are cause to feel oversensitive.
Second, I looked at my emotions and how they related to the above. I was angry because I was tired. I was frustrated because I was hungry. I was conjuring up the past because all my senses were overwhelmed.
Finally, I decided to figure out which things I could control. The flight delay? No way. The hunger...hello? I needed to find food. The exhaustion and frustration? I needed to do something calm. So, I bought a cooking magazine and turned OFF my blackberry. Easily controlled.
As for the conjuring up the past? It happens. It's not that dramatic if you are able to handle the other variables that cause you grief or frustration. I was able to understand that crying about a childhood friend twenty years later does not mean that I haven't made strides in my life or that I am back to square one. In reality, triggers happen all the time. I also made that trip two weeks after my father had passed away. I had spent most of my childhood in small planes such as the one I was desperately hoping to board. So, I knew there was significance to remembering the event and I just let it go.
My takeway from this:
As I sat waiting for the inevitable delay on my last leg of the journey, I became extremely emotional. Tears were flowing and I started conjuring up self deprecating thoughts...making myself feel even more exhausted.
Then I thought, why do I do this? What is causing me to sit in this airport drudging up things past? Did it matter that when I was twelve, I sat on a plane traveling alone, crying for hours because I was flying away from my best friend? Did it really need to affect me over twenty years later?
I was, emotionally, all over the place. From getting ready to rage on the person listening to their ipod next to me, to feeling wistful for some time in my childhood.
So, I decided to be rational and think about why I was creating even more drama for myself. I mean, I had just had enough with all the business and travel I was doing. Why would I want to subject myself to any further frustration?
Years ago, I would have thrived on this. I would have gone into full "feel sorry for myself" mode and began the arduous process of serious self deprecation. A place I was brink of going last evening. For some reason, I just didn't feeling like allowing myself to go there. It seemed tortuous. In some moment of sheer revelation, I decided to stop and think for a moment instead of running full steam into my internal diatribe.
First, I took inventory of all the physiological; I was tired. Hungry. Aching from seats too small and multiple flight segments. These alone are cause to feel oversensitive.
Second, I looked at my emotions and how they related to the above. I was angry because I was tired. I was frustrated because I was hungry. I was conjuring up the past because all my senses were overwhelmed.
Finally, I decided to figure out which things I could control. The flight delay? No way. The hunger...hello? I needed to find food. The exhaustion and frustration? I needed to do something calm. So, I bought a cooking magazine and turned OFF my blackberry. Easily controlled.
As for the conjuring up the past? It happens. It's not that dramatic if you are able to handle the other variables that cause you grief or frustration. I was able to understand that crying about a childhood friend twenty years later does not mean that I haven't made strides in my life or that I am back to square one. In reality, triggers happen all the time. I also made that trip two weeks after my father had passed away. I had spent most of my childhood in small planes such as the one I was desperately hoping to board. So, I knew there was significance to remembering the event and I just let it go.
My takeway from this:
- Be conscious of the things that can be controlled like hunger or sleep.
- Realize that triggers exist, let them fire off, put them in their place and let it go.
- And, give yourself a break once in a while from the self imposed drama. It's worth it.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Renewal
The long awaited spring is starting to finally arrive in the Hudson Valley. I commute home on the train along the Hudson river and am happy to see it's no longer dark when we pull into the station. Spring fever is running rampant. The cows on my farm are crazy, the dog, virtually everyone I know.....all the pent up energy from a very long winter in the NorthEast.
This weekend, I felt a sense of massive relief. The months of being introspective and cold are making room for the experience of warmth and free spirited-ness.
And with that, in my own recovery, I have to remind myself that being a free spirit can happen without the lures of being intoxicated (from alcohol at least).
This year, I think the intoxication of the flowers starting to bloom, the wind being warm and the joys of throwing tattered Uggs in the closet are enough.
It's a lucky time in life. I don't think I have ever remembered being this impressed with the renewal that comes with Spring. I used to dread this time as it began the season of being more social....more opportunities to feel sorry for myself that drinking was no longer an option.
Today, I'm happy that when I leave work, I can watch the sunset along one of the coolest rivers around....and still have a few precious minutes of daylight to see spring happening in all its simple glory.
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