Boundaries.

A friend of mine has a great website on boundaries that I revisit often in life. Setting boundaries simply allows a person to let go of what they cannot control and become more aware of what is within us, both good and bad.

After three years of being public with my recovery on-line and in the world (see Glamour, December 2004), it still surprises me that when I visit the statistics on my website and blogs, I realize there are certain people who visit everyday (especially the AOL ones that are visiting several times a day). Every week, there are more and more people who look on my sites for information. And sometimes, it's scary. It makes me rethink my position on being so public with my recovery. And then, I reread my own personal goals and boundaries that I have set for myself and I know that I speak from my heart. And sharing and writing is something that is very honest to me. We can only do what we know and hope that we learn more everyday in life. And we learn from other people. We learn from mistakes. We learn from crossing boundaries and creating them. We learn from being the person we were meant to be and knowing that this may not sit well with everyone, there are so many people who benefit from sharing in life.

And with that, we are able to let go of fear and keep writing and writing and writing.

Quote of the week.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Suzanne Nichols

Anger

There are times in my life when I feel such anger that it comes up through my body and sits, ready to be fired out of my mouth. It causes me such distress that I sometimes shutter.

And I feel alone.

And I feel taken advantage of.

And hurt.

And pissed off.

And it is a complete feeling of awareness that something needs to change. Do I change my life completely? What do I need to change to make myself less angry and resentful? What EXACTLY is making me feel these emotions? And how do I continue to be positively constructive when I feel beat down by negativity?

Closure.

How much easier would life be if we could close one door and open another? If there were magic keys that could lock up the past or ones to open the future. Ha, life is never that simple.

For the first time in my life, I am suddenly beginning to feel a sense of closure. It started with an e-mail and eventually transpired into a life event that made closing the door a bit easier. It was a validation from my past. I was acknowledged. I had been loved. And that's all I needed to hear. And now, I stand in front of my past with its heavy door inching towards total closure.

Today, I feel at peace with decisions I have made, mistakes and imperfections that I have learned to live with. I know my limitations, but I also realize the capacity I have to begin again.

So, I have decided to open another door that's been closed for the last three years. Though I had been knocking and knocking with no avail. Things are changing.
I know the reasons why I am here. I know the reasons that I have for trying love once again. I deserve it. Love lives within my heart. And I now have the keys in my hand. And a lifetime of love ahead.

You Get Exactly What You Settle For.

Life lives up to your expectations. No more, but often less.

If you expect -- and settle for -- nothing less than a fabulous life that fulfills all your dreams, that's what you'll find a way to have.

But if you ever settle for anything less -- and why you settle doesn't matter -- less is all you get. If your life is unfulfilling and unhappy, or even if it's just okay, or not quite "there", it's only because you allow it to be that way.

It's such a simple concept -- never settle for less than you really want. But you were taught that "you can't have everything you want." "Sometimes you just have to settle for second place." Or
worse: "You don't deserve it."

Well, guess what -- you do deserve it! but you can only claim it when you refuse to settle for anything else.

What have you settled for that is less than you truly desire? And how does that feel? Can you live with that? Do you WANT to live with that? Have you ever refused to settle for less and received EXACTLY what you did want?

You can have that every time, simply by refusing to settle for anything less.


--Excerpted from
Lee Watters
Life Mentor and Author, "3 Days To A Life That Works: How To Reset Your Defaults For Happiness And Success"

The truth.

The truth is...........

That my sobriety is my only consistent source of strength.
I am waiting for someone.
I am scared of the future.
I am scared of the present.
Everything in the world is going for me.
I have difficulty finding peace within myself.

I will....

Remind myself that sobriety is my rock.
Stop looking out the window for the one I love to return.
Look forward to the future.
Love the present.
Continue striving to be the best woman I can be.
Find peace within my heart.

Life: The Five Year Plan.

Last night the man in my life asked where I see myself in five years. Five years? Ouch.

Five years from now, I can hope to be many things. I can hope to be sober, successful and true to my beliefs. I can aspire to be more comfortable in my own skin. I can dream about working portionately less and playing considerably more. I can hope and aspire to a time five years from now, but will it matter when it's today that really counts?

Where will I be? Who will I be? The more important question is that wherever I am, at that point in my life, will I be living to my fullest capacity? Am I bringing the most to my life today, tomorrow AND five years from now?

So, I sat down and thought about a five year plan. I wrote feverishly this morning....goal setting, planning, categorizing my life on one 5x7 piece of journal paper. I wrote down all the scenarios I could see myself in...and all the ones I could not. I made a list of the people I wanted in my life and the people to take off the Christmas list. I thought about money I may make and the money I may spend on various personal amenitites. I may be with my man. I may not. The possibilities seem endless to me at this point, where once they were limited.

And then it hit me. I can plan to my heart's content but life is unpredictable. Perhaps I will finally teach in Ghana. Perhaps I will be strong and woman enough to get all the things that I want on my list. Perhaps I will not even live to see five years from now....Perhaps is not a word I find favorably in my personal dicitionary. To me, "perhaps" is an excuse. "I will" becomes my mantra.

In five years, I will be flying out of the holding pattern I sometimes find myself in. In five years, I will continue the plan that includes living in the present. In five years, I will still not be able to take back the past and predict the future.

So, five years from now, I may be living in a different place or I may have different people in my life, but I will still be the woman I am today.....perhaps with some more gray hair, but very much of the same determination and will to live life.