henry bean. 

Love.

"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
-Anna Louise Strong

Today, I realize that I appreciate the love that I have in my life. Whether it be distant love, love that surrounds me or love that has evolved into other forms. It's all love. And for that, I am grateful. And even in the face of adversity, love helps me to get through life. And in the wake of happiness, I live.

Letting Go.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

Prince Charming or someone like that.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”.
-Victor Hugo

I find myself in one of the most precarious positions in my relationship life thus far. For the first time, I am suddenly realizing that what I am getting from my relationship simply isn’t enough anymore.

How can that be? I should be happy that I have someone in my life. I should be elated that I have put closure to a long time love that I had grieved for the last three years. But, I think about the parameters of my current relationship and it just leaves me feeling empty. And it drives me nuts.

I sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face. Yes, I lost my father when I was young, so am I searching for him again? Do I have enough self worth to walk away from someone that cannot give me what I need? Am I too demanding to want respect and consistency in my life?

Ugh, the questions that go with responsible relationship analysis.

And what is it that we want in relationships. Acceptance for faults? Unconditional love? Someone to share our lives with?

Of course.

But, to put it simply, I want to be loved as much as I love. It’s been so long, I sometimes forget what it’s like to just relax and not do cartwheels in front of my significant other. I am trying to get him to love me with no avail because I am petrified of my other options. Perhaps it’s not him, but me who is afraid to commit to intimacy. And I know that something is probably not right between us, but I insist on finding out what exactly it is instead of letting go.

And why is that? What inside of my heart and mind that makes it so difficult to be with someone else? Why am I so scared of myself?

So, tonight, I am going to do my best to enjoy the company I keep. I will try and keep cartwheels to a bare minimum and enjoy what we do have. Either that or publish a WANTED poster for Prince Charming.

Boundaries.

A friend of mine has a great website on boundaries that I revisit often in life. Setting boundaries simply allows a person to let go of what they cannot control and become more aware of what is within us, both good and bad.

After three years of being public with my recovery on-line and in the world (see Glamour, December 2004), it still surprises me that when I visit the statistics on my website and blogs, I realize there are certain people who visit everyday (especially the AOL ones that are visiting several times a day). Every week, there are more and more people who look on my sites for information. And sometimes, it's scary. It makes me rethink my position on being so public with my recovery. And then, I reread my own personal goals and boundaries that I have set for myself and I know that I speak from my heart. And sharing and writing is something that is very honest to me. We can only do what we know and hope that we learn more everyday in life. And we learn from other people. We learn from mistakes. We learn from crossing boundaries and creating them. We learn from being the person we were meant to be and knowing that this may not sit well with everyone, there are so many people who benefit from sharing in life.

And with that, we are able to let go of fear and keep writing and writing and writing.

Quote of the week.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Suzanne Nichols

Anger

There are times in my life when I feel such anger that it comes up through my body and sits, ready to be fired out of my mouth. It causes me such distress that I sometimes shutter.

And I feel alone.

And I feel taken advantage of.

And hurt.

And pissed off.

And it is a complete feeling of awareness that something needs to change. Do I change my life completely? What do I need to change to make myself less angry and resentful? What EXACTLY is making me feel these emotions? And how do I continue to be positively constructive when I feel beat down by negativity?