Crossroads.

Many times in life, many times in sobriety we hit crossroads in our lives. How do we define them within our own lives? How do we decide which way to go?

I pose these questions because I have hit a major crossroad in my life. Which way I am going. Is this the right path? Will the path I chose be in my best interest as a sober woman?

Right before my sobriety, I left a fairly lucrative job. I left my macrocosm and began to weave myself tightly into a secure web. I surrounded myself with support. I left friends, lovers, and acquaintances behind. I brought my life down to a manageable scale. This enabled me to live well. To live sober. I became a large fish in a small pond. I took turns in my life I had no idea existed. I painted. I wrote. I lived through my sobriety with commanding grace and awareness. Yet, through this growth, I suddenly realized that I missed the largeness in my life. I decided I wanted to become a big fish in a big pond. And succeed where I had succeeded before. This time, sober.

And now, here I stand. At a professional and personal crossroad. My life is full. My sobriety has become part of my skin, my beauty in life. Yet, I feel as if my big world is enticing me to return.. Take bigger risks. Go back into a profession I deeply loved. Return to a world I only knew when drinking. And return sober.

Am I strong enough to return back to the pace I kept, the largeness I once embraced while drinking with now sober arms? Can I maintain the integrity and passion I feel for sobriety? Can I walk down this path with new steps?

How do we as sober women deal with the crossroads in our lives? The major decisions that help define our everyday lives? How do we successfully pick the right path without jeopardizing the time we’ve spent securing the road we are on?

Quote of the week.

Listen to the silence in between the sounds. And you will greatly improve your understanding of all that you hear.

Experience the stillness in between your thoughts. And your thoughts will have greater power, greater meaning, greater purpose.

Give just as much care and attention to the relaxation between the efforts as you do to the actual efforts. And those efforts will become immensely more effective.

When life gets too far out of balance, it cannot continue on that same path for very long. When the noise, the frenzy and the striving seem overwhelming, direct your focus to the silence, the stillness, the time for relaxation.

Give your awareness not only to the things that demand it. Give your awareness also to the quiet, peaceful stillness from which those things arise.

In between the sounds, in between the thoughts, in between the efforts, the sights, the complexities and the activities, there is much treasure to be found. In between the demands of the outer world, is the inner substance to keep you going.

-- Ralph Marston (www.dailymotivator.com)

The Game.

Unable to decide between what is right

And what is wrong

Without parameters

Without definition

I ask for help.

I ask for directions as to how to play this horrible game

That I did not ask to play

Quickly, I am chastised.

Confronted and ready.

For questioning the unwritten rules.

And I falter emotionally.

I am confused.

I am concerned.

I hold fast to this newfound honesty.

I will remain faithful to those I love.

And my love for them is deep.

But, I wonder,

Does this game ever end?

Quote of the week.

"The real questions are the ones that obtrude upon your consciousness whether you like it or not, the ones that make your mind start vibrating like a jackhammer, the ones that you "come to terms with" only to discover that they are still there. The real questions refuse to be placated. They barge into your life at the times when it seems most important for them to stay away. They are the questions asked most frequently and answered most inadequately, the ones that reveal their true natures slowly, reluctantly, most often against your will."
-Ingrid Bengis

A moment that changed my tears.

Yesterday, I drove home crying.
I was sad.
I was distraught about life.

Yesterday, the phone kept ringing.
My mother, my friend.
Chattering, chattering, chattering.
While I was consumed with my life.

Yesterday, I sat with a friend.
I was venting.
I was hurting.
I talked his ear off.

Yesterday, the phone rang again.
It was my friend’s mother.
His father had shot himself.

Silence.

One single moment.

Yesterday, I realized,
My worries were no longer significant.
My tears fell quickly for someone else.

Yesterday, he would change.
His father’s life,
Was more significant than the problems
I thought were important.

Yesterday, I sat in silence
As my friend left for his impending doom.

Yesterday, I cried for someone other than myself.
For the first time in five years, I looked to the sky,
And prayed for life.

A Letter.

Dear Life,

I am writing to apologize for neglecting you for the last few years. I am sorry that I have sat on the sideline and watched you go by as I sit in my own frenzy of overcommitment, emotional upheaval and dramatic intervals. So many times, I've missed you. So many times, I've wondered what it would be like to know you again. But, I've had my reasons to keep my distance. I had to go inside of myself and find out why I was put here to begin with.

In the last three years, I've needed the break. Being alone, being a spectator instead of a mad participant has given me the appreciation I once lacked. I now know how important you are to me.

You are the one relationship I cannot ignore. You are the one relationship that I must strive to have consistently in my everyday routine. And you are the one thing I can count on everyday.

So, I am ready to return to the land of the living. I am ready to participate with an open mind and an open heart.

I hope you are ready to jump back in and let me show you who I've become and how much I've changed. I do love you with such passion and zeal, that I couldn't be me without you.

Love,

Kim

Quote of the week.

"Unless you have integrity, being honest means nothing."