Thankful for....

Each day, I try to write five things that I am grateful for in my journal. It's one of those exercises that someone suggested about five years ago and amazingly, I have stuck with it and have learned to recognize and appreciate the good things in my life.


Now that Thanksgiving is right around the corner and everything gets a bit more hectic in life, I took a moment this morning to write five things that I am not only grateful for, I am genuinely thankful for.

1. I am sober
2. My brown dog that greets me with the same wagging tail and wet kisses every night
3. My family, those here and not here.
4. That I continue down this path called life with a backpack full of support and creativity
5. The people who are on this journey with me, there are a lot!

I am off for the next few days, so have a happy, sober and wonderful holiday.

Emotional Baggage

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to see the amount of emotional angst that I carry for what it is.

Serious Baggage.

As someone who turned to self medicating at age 12, these unresolved feelings and memories have stayed with me with remarkable clarity over the last 22 years. I feel like I am an emotional pack rat at times as my head is constantly filled with unresolved issues or emotions that I would do anything to carry with me instead of allowing myself to let go. And these conflicting emotions have always been a source of comfort for me. Each time happiness would creep into my life, I've been able to dissipate the joy I may have felt with feelings of inadequacy or self deprecation.

And suddenly, I am tired of it. The boyfriend I dumped in high school who probably was the most stable person I've ever met. The ex husband who lurks around trying to amend a marriage long over. The death of my father. The pain and anguish I caused all the years I was an emotional mess. I swear, I can recall conversations, feelings and even the smells associated with these instances that I very often feel trapped.

But the comfort in these vivid recollections is waning. I have found over the last six years that I have to lose the baggage to be able to start living in reality, because living in the past with all these loose ends isn't conducive to happiness. It's limiting. It's non-essential. And it's just emotional baggage that I need desperately to lighten.

So, today I start my quest in letting go issue by issue. I'm making a list of all the events and unresolved feelings that have accumulated over two decades. I can imagine it will take me a long time and that this list will never end. I'm okay with that. And after I make the list, I'm going to mark down those issues or feelings that are worth resolving or if I just need to acknowledge them, forgive and let go.

I'm starting with a big one. A long overdue letter. I'm sad and it is going to be a painful letter to write. But, life changes and we are the only ones who can dictate where we go...or if we stay in one place, emotionally.

We clean our houses every season to allow for a new perspective. This time, I'm cleaning out the crap so that I am able to allow new experiences and emotions to come in.

And I have great faith that this will work.

Quote of the day.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Some Holiday Shortcuts

As the holiday season comes in a whirlwind, I just wanted to share some tips, shortcuts and ramblings, particularly regarding alcohol, over this time. If you have an additional tips, please feel free to comment.

• Be thankful you won't have to worry about being pulled over. It's primetime for checkpoints! I usually volunteer to drive to one holiday party and have even been known to throw a tip cup out for laughs (and dollars!).


• I keep a small list of the five reasons why I am sober in my wallet. Anytime I am faced with a "Sobriety Crisis", I pull it out and read through it.
• Keep a list of your closest resources handy; friends, relatives, sponsors, etc. Just in case you need to make a phone call


• A beverage in a wine glass or, even better, a martini glass, makes life a little easier when attending holiday parties and actually leads to less questions.


• Waking up with no hangover during the holidays means more time to actually enjoy them.


• For every cash bar you have to attend, put money in a jar that you would have spent and treat yourself to an extra gift.


• If the family scene is too much, or you generally have angst around the holidays, volunteering during this time is a great way to appreciate where you are.


• If you are nervous about telling people you are sober, just say "I'm not drinking this evening" Most people don't really care.


• Stash non-alcoholic beverages in your trunk. I never leave home without Diet Coke.


• Take a breather, often.


• And last, allow yourself an out. If you need to leave, just do it. It's ultimately about your well being.

The Burden of Sobriety

I was reading an article in Vanity Fair this weekend regarding a former child star's take of being sober. In a Q&A, Justin Bateman answers a question posed by the reporter:

"Not even a glass of wine?"
"No, not even a little bit. I am just not good at it. Now I run like I am being chased every morning. I don't know what the hell I have become, but it's starting to annoy me. "
http://www.vanityfair.com/fame/features/2007/11/wayne_bateman200711

That last phrase has been ringing in my ears all weekend. "I don't know what the hell I have become, but it's starting to annoy me."

I feel like that often now that the pink cloud of euphoria that comes with early sobriety has lifted.

I constantly question my role in the sober world. I feel like my old life was more reckless, less "heavy" and a bit more carefree. Because, today, my mind rarely gets a break from thinking sober. I live it, write it and breathe all things sober.

And while it is the best thing for me, the best choice I have ever made...it can piss me off on occasion.

Last week, I was at a great event at the Tavern of the Green. Lots of advertising people. Lots of black ties and drinks clinking. In the sea of people drinking red and white wine (they only thing on the tables beside water), I felt as if I were on a different party boat. I watched the bottles being poured. I was very conscious of everyone beginning to loosen up. And I sometimes felt compelled to be even more gregarious or stealth with my diet coke in a wine glass. The funny thing, it's all in my mind. I've created the burden of my own sobriety. People rarely notice what you are drinking or why. It's the ones that become overly intoxicated that make conversation. No one noticed or cared that I didn't drink...but I did, even with years under my belt. And when I got on my train late in the evening, I felt such relief to be done with my bout of fitting in.

And these occasions happen all the time. I have to remind myself that alcohol is not some long lost romance I pine for. That the decisions I have made today will allow me to live a healthy and emotionally gratifying life. Even if that means sacrificing that bit of irresponsibility that could turn a mellow Friday evening into a wild escapade.

There is solace in living life with this burden, it could be worse, it could be the burden of being drunk all the time, which is worse.

But, there are just few times in my week or month, where I have to remind myself that being sober isn't a jail sentence...it's a choice.

And I think I need to take my choices, difficult or not, and learn to laugh the burden off my back every once in a while.

Quote of the day.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."

-Helen Keller

It's not all about me?

When we are drinking, the world tends to revolve around us. It's about our problems, our insecurities, our irresponsibility. Many times, we are so deep into ourselves that the impact of our alcoholism on those around us tends to become trivialized.

I remember being told by friends and particular family members that they thought I may have a drinking problem early on. One example, in college, when a group of friends got me in a room and pressed me to curb my wildness. I did not comply. Another time, a family member threatened to oust me if I did not seek help. Again, I did not comply. I simply blew them off. What did they know? They couldn't POSSIBLY understand my needs and turmoil. My thinking was that no one person understood my desperate attempts to avoid my life. As my addiction progressed, my failure to heed any advice became more apparent and I simply avoided anyone who tried to help.

Toward the very end of my drinking life, I found myself secluding myself completely. I was angry at everyone and trusted no one, including myself. And, in alcoholism, it was about me. It was entirely up to me to end my life as an irresponsible woman. It was entirely my choice to stop drinking, because I finally saw what everyone else had been seeing for years. A confused, angry, depressed child who never let go of her past mistakes and misgivings. And that realization is what caused me to move my life in a different direction.

So many times, people who are close to or live with an alcoholic ask me "What can I do to get him or her to stop?" or "What can I do differently?" and "I feel so responsible".

In reality, the person who is responsible for his or her drinking is also the person responsible for getting sober. As someone close to him or her, it is easy to confuse enabling an alcoholic with helping them. It affects every one's life and it is so difficult to know that someone is going through such tumultuous cycles and there is little the outside person can do. There are ways to cope, however. Support groups, on-line resources and books to just help the non-alcoholic deal with the alcoholic. And those resources are for you to know that you are not alone.

From this side, I wish I had listened to all the people that had told me. I regret it every day of my life. I regret the pain and anguish I caused so many different relationships throughout the years. And I cringe at times at all the worry and stress I inflicted on those who loved me so much. But I also know that nothing mattered to me but erasing everyone from my addictive mind. I was so desperate to be helped but so deep into myself that I didn't know how to get out.

From your side, it becomes a matter of providing as much support as you are able. If an alcoholic is all about them, they may take your advice but the denial may be too great.

Today, I have someone in my life who has a drinking problem and I am now on this side. I worry and think about this person every day, hearing reports about a stint with sobriety that usually doesn't last very long. I go to sleep at night and pray that I will not have a message on my phone. I comb the papers everyday to ensure this person is still alive. And the emotional toll is great because I caused pain to this person in my days of drinking, leading to the demise in our relationship. But, there is a point in which I had to understand that everyone makes their own choices. As much time as I spend worrying, this person is where I was a long time ago....inside their own addiction. Ideally, if this person approached me, I would be there. If this person needed anything, I would be there. The only thing I can do is keep that door open, hold this to my heart and hope that the day will come when life begins for this person as well.

Hope and faith in people's strength is amazing. We know that change needs to come, at times, we just need to find the strength within ourselves.