The Journey

Another article that I have pulled out of the vault. I find it hard to believe that this was over three years ago when I wrote this. And how much the journey remains in tact.

Journeys
Over two and a half years ago, I started my journey into a new life.The beginning was the easiest leg of my journey. Results were tangible. Everyday I didn't drink, I was one step ahead of my life for the previous fifteen years. I went through physical changes; losing weight, my body detoxing, and patterns in my sleep changed significantly. The first few months I was able to see that my choice was a good one. Not drinking was the ONLY road I traveled on at that point.

After a few months, drinking was no longer the focus of my journey. The reality of my journey began to set in. I started walking through the weeds and bumbles of my life. I felt uprooted. Pieces of my past sprouted up along the way. I had to hack at them with all my strength to continue walking down the path I wanted to create. I was learning how to be sober.Being sober entails a bit more than not drinking. It means changing all things that are comfortable. It means leaving people who are harmful. Leaving old behaviours for new ones. Being sober means that you have left one life and began a new one. And at times, this decision that I had made weighed heavily on my heart.

Did I really want this life? Did I really want the stigma I thought was attached to being sober? I wrestled with my decisions every day of my life. Every step I made in one direction meant I was leaving a familiar place.

And the grieving began. I mourned the loss of my old life. I was waving goodbye to all those esoteric things that I had known for so long. Visions of my life before flooded my dreams. I was anxious. Guilty. Angry. But I muddled through this tumultuous part of the journey. I missed my old self. Missed the drama and dysfunction that I had deeply rooted myself in. But, somehow, I just kept moving forward until my pathway was free of past weeds. Suddenly, after a long period of mourning, I was walking with a lighter step.

After my first year, I started the next leg of my journey. Sobriety was easier. Not drinking was no longer an issue. Finding out who I was became the task. In doing this, I have walked down several paths. I have tested some directions that were unsuccessful. I used my art to help my find out what needed working on. I wrote and wrote until I was blue in the face. I read every book I could get my hands on. I diligently went to therapy. I asked questions. I was introspective. I looked for my spirituality. I posted. I chatted. All these things to find out who that person I had hidden away really was.

And for some reason, I hit a major roadblock. No longer was sobriety the focus on my life. I was just Kim. And that scared me so much, I almost faltered. I thought about sabotaging the work that I had done so I wouldn't find out who I was. I was petrified to peel the layers of my life. I had dreams that I was drinking again. I had thoughts of drinking all day and night. Anything, ANYTHING to keep myself from really knowing who I was. I did not believe I deserved the life I was living. It was a very painful leg of my journey. But, in the end, some strength inside of me took over. I never stepped off the path. I kept going in spite of the immense fear I felt.

And that brings me to now. Today, it's a slightly different story. I am on the journey to discover myself in the most pure and real form. I look forward to who I am and where I am meant to be. I live life with so much passion, I am exhausted at the end of the day. I kiss my nieces and nephews. I smile at the Gas Station guy. I no longer feel the need to escape myself and the choices I have made. Every choice I make is grounded in my new life. Believe me, I struggle still. But, it's such a real struggle that it feels so good when it's resolved with a clear mind and spirit. I am on the path to reformulating those things that are most important to me. I am walking towards the life I want. And my sneakers bear the brand of sobriety.

So, my journey may or may not be like yours. You maybe on Day one or Day one thousand. Everyday, it's a new path. New steps. And it's amazing to be able to say that we are able to see the changes and growth. We are fully aware, at every stage of this journey.

Checklist for Early Sobriety

Ok, you've made the decision to get sober. Beside the obvious of not drinking, there are many things to think about to help in early recovery. Below, I've listed a checklist that may help with some ideas. Feel free to add any additional items.

• Find a recovery program to help in the earliest days. Whatever program you follow, just allowing yourself to learn about being sober and surrounding yourself with sober people can be a big help.
• Create a resource list. Write out a list of people who you can call when you need someone to talk to, support or just a diversion from your old ways.
• Look for a good therapist or counselor if you feel it will help.
• Browse the bookstore and stock up on some good sober books for inspiration.
• Do an emotional inventory and record how you are feeling each day.
• Find a new hobby, activity or anything that will keep you out of the bar scene, you'll be amazed at how many things there are to do besides sit at a bar!
• Find another person in recovery and buddy up with them for support.
• Journal, journal, journal. I cannot stress how much this helps in early sobriety. I used to write fifteen pages a day, just pouring things out.
• Grab a paintbrush and be creative. Painting out your emotions is refreshing.
• Forgive yourself for the past. It's gone, over and you can only move forward at this point.
• Find some IM buddies from a sober site or group and utilize them as resources (Mine is Yahoo: kjpartstudio)
• Write down all the things you can do now that you are sober. Pick one each week and do it.
• Eat well, exercise and watch your sugar during the earliest part of sobriety.
• Finally, be gentle on yourself. It's a long process, one that is constantly evolving and changing. It's worth it.

The Point of Letting Go

I don't really know if my inability to let go completely came early in my childhood or whether it's been formulated from so many years of being emotionally irresponsible. Lately, though, it's another one of those elements in my life that is not so satisfying in its current state.

I keep going back...way back. Was I overly attached to any tangible object? My baby blanket that took me thirty years to finally get rid of? The pictures of people that are no longer in my life stacked in drawers waiting for a moment of weakness to be drearily thumbed through? Or was it losing my family to divorce and my father passing away at the age of 12?

No matter, this inability to let go has absolutely hindered so many opportunities in my life. Relationships that don't work but give me enough peace of mind to hold on to a tiny shred of hope. Thoughts that clutter my already busy head. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that stem from my need to squash whatever happiness is around me. I feel as if all of these emotions and actions directly stem from this desire I have to keep negativity grounded within me.

And it's driving me bonkers because as much as I want to let go of all these hindrances, there is a great security in holding everything as tight as possible.

So, what is the secret? Writing it out? I've made my lists. Reading another book? Been there. I think that the secret is really, honestly just letting it go knowing that you can only control yourself. That I am teetering on making a huge life change can only be done if I truly want to and then taking the steps to get EXACTLY what I am after.

I think this may be the mantra for the day since happiness really only does come from within first.

A sigh of relief.....

I have to say, I am thankful that Thanksgiving is over. Made it through unscathed, once again....Hope everyone had a good one.

Thankful for....

Each day, I try to write five things that I am grateful for in my journal. It's one of those exercises that someone suggested about five years ago and amazingly, I have stuck with it and have learned to recognize and appreciate the good things in my life.


Now that Thanksgiving is right around the corner and everything gets a bit more hectic in life, I took a moment this morning to write five things that I am not only grateful for, I am genuinely thankful for.

1. I am sober
2. My brown dog that greets me with the same wagging tail and wet kisses every night
3. My family, those here and not here.
4. That I continue down this path called life with a backpack full of support and creativity
5. The people who are on this journey with me, there are a lot!

I am off for the next few days, so have a happy, sober and wonderful holiday.

Emotional Baggage

Over the last few weeks, I have begun to see the amount of emotional angst that I carry for what it is.

Serious Baggage.

As someone who turned to self medicating at age 12, these unresolved feelings and memories have stayed with me with remarkable clarity over the last 22 years. I feel like I am an emotional pack rat at times as my head is constantly filled with unresolved issues or emotions that I would do anything to carry with me instead of allowing myself to let go. And these conflicting emotions have always been a source of comfort for me. Each time happiness would creep into my life, I've been able to dissipate the joy I may have felt with feelings of inadequacy or self deprecation.

And suddenly, I am tired of it. The boyfriend I dumped in high school who probably was the most stable person I've ever met. The ex husband who lurks around trying to amend a marriage long over. The death of my father. The pain and anguish I caused all the years I was an emotional mess. I swear, I can recall conversations, feelings and even the smells associated with these instances that I very often feel trapped.

But the comfort in these vivid recollections is waning. I have found over the last six years that I have to lose the baggage to be able to start living in reality, because living in the past with all these loose ends isn't conducive to happiness. It's limiting. It's non-essential. And it's just emotional baggage that I need desperately to lighten.

So, today I start my quest in letting go issue by issue. I'm making a list of all the events and unresolved feelings that have accumulated over two decades. I can imagine it will take me a long time and that this list will never end. I'm okay with that. And after I make the list, I'm going to mark down those issues or feelings that are worth resolving or if I just need to acknowledge them, forgive and let go.

I'm starting with a big one. A long overdue letter. I'm sad and it is going to be a painful letter to write. But, life changes and we are the only ones who can dictate where we go...or if we stay in one place, emotionally.

We clean our houses every season to allow for a new perspective. This time, I'm cleaning out the crap so that I am able to allow new experiences and emotions to come in.

And I have great faith that this will work.

Quote of the day.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt