PERFECT
Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed
This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am not perfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.
If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before a client meeting. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no client meeting.
But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.
When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.
Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.
When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense woman. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.
Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
When life hurts.
Over the last five days, I have felt a tremendous amount of stress. The car broke down to the tune of $5,000. Dating is ridiculous. People bother me. Others lie. I felt hurt. It's hot and miserable. The economy is getting worse. I'm feeling angst on just about every level, in every way.
All of these things seem to snowball and create MORE stress because I let it. It's hard to rationalize all of the emotions and particulars when you just feel like you've been beaten down by just about everything and everyone.
AND, all of these stress events typically make me dig really deep into the hole that I find remarkably safe and dark. I will ignore everyone until I can get it straight. I do not return phone calls. I just exist in my own little world feeling absolutely pathetic. Today, I've never wanted to get out of this hole more in my life. I'm tired of letting my emotions get the better of me. The self deprecation. The serious self loathing that I feel because of things I cannot control. The whole process is truly daunting.
The funny thing is that during some of this stress, I overlooked one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. I was so inside myself, I barely saw the nature that surrounds me. I could only muster simple conversation with someone I care about. I just felt numb.
So, my thought today is that there comes a time to get out of the hole, even when things are at their worst. We are alive. We sometimes have to OVERLOOK the small stuff and realize that life is so much bigger and better. I have this picture below, to remind me that I had a wonderful time yesterday. That all the stress will work itself out.
And today, I am trying so hard to do so.
All of these things seem to snowball and create MORE stress because I let it. It's hard to rationalize all of the emotions and particulars when you just feel like you've been beaten down by just about everything and everyone.
AND, all of these stress events typically make me dig really deep into the hole that I find remarkably safe and dark. I will ignore everyone until I can get it straight. I do not return phone calls. I just exist in my own little world feeling absolutely pathetic. Today, I've never wanted to get out of this hole more in my life. I'm tired of letting my emotions get the better of me. The self deprecation. The serious self loathing that I feel because of things I cannot control. The whole process is truly daunting.
The funny thing is that during some of this stress, I overlooked one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. I was so inside myself, I barely saw the nature that surrounds me. I could only muster simple conversation with someone I care about. I just felt numb.
So, my thought today is that there comes a time to get out of the hole, even when things are at their worst. We are alive. We sometimes have to OVERLOOK the small stuff and realize that life is so much bigger and better. I have this picture below, to remind me that I had a wonderful time yesterday. That all the stress will work itself out.
And today, I am trying so hard to do so.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Addiction in Public
After being on vacation and removing myself almost completely from any mainstream media, I picked up our daily NY newspaper yesterday to read the cover story of Tatum O Neal and her recent alleged drug buying woes.
With all the media outlets today, it's easy to be judgemental toward people who are very public and suffering the same addiction problems that afflict millions of people in the privacy of their own homes. One reads about young and old celebrities who are out of control and publicly battling their own demons. And we, as readers, are privy to journalistic slants and bias towards these over exposed figures. The media and our entertainment centric culture seem to blow out these addictions. For example, the article I read regarding Tatum cites her unstable upbringing and faulty marriage. It goes on to write about how she lied to the police about playing a movie part. Drama. Drama Drama. All I know is that when I read this article, I saw a person who made a wrong choice during the on-going daily (and sometimes hourly) battle to stay sober. Chances are, any person who suffers sustained addiction problems has lived in remarkable dysfunction on many levels. To be sober and clean is the most personal struggle there is.
And that is what, if there a need to cover these people in the news, should be the focal point of the article. Yes, she is a public figure. Yes, there are consequences to being famous in an all consuming media society. But, there is a real need for someone to stop and say, "here is a person who battles EVERY day and right now she's losing", how do we address this in the most altruistic and constructive way possible for the millions of readers who suffer the SAME problems privately? Couldn't one outlet write something supportive? To any of these people, famous or not?
Again, I read the antics of the young celebrities and cringe. It's easy to fault them when the information is in front of you. But, those antics often lead to worse issues that eventually manifest themselves into real addiction problems. And people vicariously live through their failures reassuring themselves that they are okay. When one goes to rehab, the articles and news focus on what they ate and how horrible it is that they are there. In reality, famous or not, this is a never ending battle. What we go through and how we deal with our demons is so very subjective. And no one knows what happens behind closed doors, famous or not.
The next time you read one of these crazy stories about a public figure, think about what they may be going through. Think about what all the people you DON'T read about must go through. Anonymity is a luxury these days and the more addiction is publicly accepted and understood, the easier it may be for one person, famous or non-famous, to get help.
With all the media outlets today, it's easy to be judgemental toward people who are very public and suffering the same addiction problems that afflict millions of people in the privacy of their own homes. One reads about young and old celebrities who are out of control and publicly battling their own demons. And we, as readers, are privy to journalistic slants and bias towards these over exposed figures. The media and our entertainment centric culture seem to blow out these addictions. For example, the article I read regarding Tatum cites her unstable upbringing and faulty marriage. It goes on to write about how she lied to the police about playing a movie part. Drama. Drama Drama. All I know is that when I read this article, I saw a person who made a wrong choice during the on-going daily (and sometimes hourly) battle to stay sober. Chances are, any person who suffers sustained addiction problems has lived in remarkable dysfunction on many levels. To be sober and clean is the most personal struggle there is.
And that is what, if there a need to cover these people in the news, should be the focal point of the article. Yes, she is a public figure. Yes, there are consequences to being famous in an all consuming media society. But, there is a real need for someone to stop and say, "here is a person who battles EVERY day and right now she's losing", how do we address this in the most altruistic and constructive way possible for the millions of readers who suffer the SAME problems privately? Couldn't one outlet write something supportive? To any of these people, famous or not?
Again, I read the antics of the young celebrities and cringe. It's easy to fault them when the information is in front of you. But, those antics often lead to worse issues that eventually manifest themselves into real addiction problems. And people vicariously live through their failures reassuring themselves that they are okay. When one goes to rehab, the articles and news focus on what they ate and how horrible it is that they are there. In reality, famous or not, this is a never ending battle. What we go through and how we deal with our demons is so very subjective. And no one knows what happens behind closed doors, famous or not.
The next time you read one of these crazy stories about a public figure, think about what they may be going through. Think about what all the people you DON'T read about must go through. Anonymity is a luxury these days and the more addiction is publicly accepted and understood, the easier it may be for one person, famous or non-famous, to get help.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Perception
No matter what you do or how hard you work on your life, people will always have perceptions of you that may or may not be true. I found this out this weekend when a friend of mine voiced his opinion on my life. The problem with this was that the facts leading to this opinion were not accurate. I found myself remarkably defensive in the situation and I walked away feeling angry and frustrated.
Then the thought process:
While it matters what people think to a degree, the way one lives their life can only be accurately judged by the person in it. And our responsibility is to live life in the most honest and real way we know how.
And as much as this opinion hurt, and it hurt, I have spent the last twelve hours trying to figure out how to move on from it and realized that this person isn't in my life on a daily and barely a weekly basis. I found myself re-reading the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz and realizing that the only thing I can do is hope that one day his opinion changes to match the way my life is actually led:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Then the thought process:
While it matters what people think to a degree, the way one lives their life can only be accurately judged by the person in it. And our responsibility is to live life in the most honest and real way we know how.
And as much as this opinion hurt, and it hurt, I have spent the last twelve hours trying to figure out how to move on from it and realized that this person isn't in my life on a daily and barely a weekly basis. I found myself re-reading the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz and realizing that the only thing I can do is hope that one day his opinion changes to match the way my life is actually led:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Self Medication.
There are times in my life where I do not question my decision to be sober. I would say this is about 99% of the time, to be honest. The beauty and decisiveness in my life has become apparent due to the decisions I have made. Overall, I am absolutely in agreement with my heart and intellect.
The 1% of the time, however, can bowl me over like an emotional steamroller. One that generally comes without any kind of warning. I may be sitting at work and suddenly I am besieged by feelings of regret for the decisions I have made, including being sober. There are times the feeling of utter despair accompanies my questions about being sober. Why did I do this? Why did I commit not knowing how much emotional work this was going to be?
I have to take a breathe and take a moment to get over myself. I say to myself that it’s the irresponsibility that comes back to haunt me not so much the actual decision to be in recovery. I truly believe that being an alcoholic is more the result of needing desperately to self medicate, to escape or try to diminish feelings and actions that have proved too painful to deal with.
For me, I have been self medicating almost my entire life. Before alcohol, I made up scenarios and stories to escape the pain I felt. I ran away emotionally.I could pacify myself doing some deeds of self deprecation at a young age. My dreams consisted of more funerals than I will actually have because funerals for myself meant that someone was actually paying attention to me. And these dreams always entailed those people, from a very young age, who had ever abandoned me. I know what I have done to self medicate, but I struggle endlessly with the why and what caused me to do this. And I know this is universal on some level. There are people who feel that the why’s aren’t important. That it is the present that matters. I believe this as well on some level, but the overwhelming need to understand how I got to a place of such desperate measures comes from years of being overly inquisitive and largely ignored. In my own life, I find it’s understanding the past that allows the present and ultimately the future to be shaped.
The entire science of Neurology and addiction, coupled with behavioral psychology on some level fascinate me. Have the feelings and consistent acts of self deprecation come from somewhere environmental? Was it ingrained as early as birth? These intangible answers that I seek cause such conflict between my emotional and rational minds, that it causes regular distress and curiosity mixed together.
For example, as a very young child, I experienced a great deal of domestic instability. As a result of this, I believe I wanted to belong to everyone and anyone who would pay attention to me. I was desperate for a life other than mine because I felt so shattered. I distinctly remember having these feelings at age 5. I was heartbroken that my family was splitting up, as any young child would be. The reality of the situation was that my family could not stay together to salvage any means of normalcy. Damage had been done. And the split divided us considerably.
As a young girl, I clung to people. I acted out in every fashion I knew how. I was just simply emotionally devestated on so many levels. Today, my question here is whether this was a reaction to my environment; abandonment, despair, parents arguing constantly leading to divorce when the definition hadn’t been flushed out yet. Anger. Rage. Pain. Or was it simply my reaction to traumatic events given my propensity for emotionality. It’s these scenarios that I question on a daily basis. And then I question whether I just do not have the ability to see the situation with any objection. That, in my own ability to blame myself, I have missed the real meat of what transpired.
On top of this, add in some head trauma (concussions galore due to little parental guidance at most stages of childhood and a father inflicted car accident), it brings in the neurologic aspect. Did I suffer some kind of frontal lobe damage that caused me to lost the ability to reasonably categorize my emotions? Again, constant state of questions.
A few years later, in the prime of my emotional development, my father died tragically when I was twelve. I had divorce under my belt, but the death of my father was not something I expected...secretly hoped at times in my childhood as any child may imagine when someone causes them any kind of pain, but when I was told of his death, the reality was hard and cold. This was a major catalyst to my drinking career. In my underdeveloped ability to reason, I had been permanently abandoned by the man I adored and hated all at the same time.
Sadly, I still struggle with this on many levels. Being sober has increased the emotional accountability factor, thus making it harder to deny that I am not completely over the death of my father twenty two years ago.
Even now, I sit here and it rattles me. The pain is sometimes like an streak of electricity that runs deep within my core. I am strangely drawn to intensity I feel but instantly repulsed at the devastation that is still very present with my heart. So much so, the prime motivation for my self medication was because I simply did not know how to deal with the inability to control the events in my life. But, I was able to control my out of control behavior (it makes sense). I lived in denial on a daily basis. This became my safe haven from needing to allow myself to grieve immensely.
And today, when I have question regarding where I am in my sober life, the issue always seems to come down to the fact that I am still learning to cope and release myself from the heart wreching guilt I feel for being alive while my father is dead.
Right now, I am on an airplane. I am writing this and looking at a picture of my father while I type. And, as I keep reading the words I have written over, I feel a sense of accomplishment with the slightest twinge of degradation. My self medicating looks more like an antibiotic regimen than a heroin habit. I question, yes, but it is because I can at this point. If you seek answers and you don't ask, even if it's a question to yourself, you'll never find the truth you are searching for.
I sit here at 31,00 ft and I am figuratively the closest to my father than I will ever be, given his propensity for flying and jumping out of planes. True, I miss flying around the sky with him (again, on so many different levels) but today, I'm really glad to be landing on the ground. Passed on the free cocktails, ate the snacks and realize that this whole sobriety thing, after six and a half years and counting, may actually work.
And may actually work really well.
The 1% of the time, however, can bowl me over like an emotional steamroller. One that generally comes without any kind of warning. I may be sitting at work and suddenly I am besieged by feelings of regret for the decisions I have made, including being sober. There are times the feeling of utter despair accompanies my questions about being sober. Why did I do this? Why did I commit not knowing how much emotional work this was going to be?
I have to take a breathe and take a moment to get over myself. I say to myself that it’s the irresponsibility that comes back to haunt me not so much the actual decision to be in recovery. I truly believe that being an alcoholic is more the result of needing desperately to self medicate, to escape or try to diminish feelings and actions that have proved too painful to deal with.
For me, I have been self medicating almost my entire life. Before alcohol, I made up scenarios and stories to escape the pain I felt. I ran away emotionally.I could pacify myself doing some deeds of self deprecation at a young age. My dreams consisted of more funerals than I will actually have because funerals for myself meant that someone was actually paying attention to me. And these dreams always entailed those people, from a very young age, who had ever abandoned me. I know what I have done to self medicate, but I struggle endlessly with the why and what caused me to do this. And I know this is universal on some level. There are people who feel that the why’s aren’t important. That it is the present that matters. I believe this as well on some level, but the overwhelming need to understand how I got to a place of such desperate measures comes from years of being overly inquisitive and largely ignored. In my own life, I find it’s understanding the past that allows the present and ultimately the future to be shaped.
The entire science of Neurology and addiction, coupled with behavioral psychology on some level fascinate me. Have the feelings and consistent acts of self deprecation come from somewhere environmental? Was it ingrained as early as birth? These intangible answers that I seek cause such conflict between my emotional and rational minds, that it causes regular distress and curiosity mixed together.
For example, as a very young child, I experienced a great deal of domestic instability. As a result of this, I believe I wanted to belong to everyone and anyone who would pay attention to me. I was desperate for a life other than mine because I felt so shattered. I distinctly remember having these feelings at age 5. I was heartbroken that my family was splitting up, as any young child would be. The reality of the situation was that my family could not stay together to salvage any means of normalcy. Damage had been done. And the split divided us considerably.
As a young girl, I clung to people. I acted out in every fashion I knew how. I was just simply emotionally devestated on so many levels. Today, my question here is whether this was a reaction to my environment; abandonment, despair, parents arguing constantly leading to divorce when the definition hadn’t been flushed out yet. Anger. Rage. Pain. Or was it simply my reaction to traumatic events given my propensity for emotionality. It’s these scenarios that I question on a daily basis. And then I question whether I just do not have the ability to see the situation with any objection. That, in my own ability to blame myself, I have missed the real meat of what transpired.
On top of this, add in some head trauma (concussions galore due to little parental guidance at most stages of childhood and a father inflicted car accident), it brings in the neurologic aspect. Did I suffer some kind of frontal lobe damage that caused me to lost the ability to reasonably categorize my emotions? Again, constant state of questions.
A few years later, in the prime of my emotional development, my father died tragically when I was twelve. I had divorce under my belt, but the death of my father was not something I expected...secretly hoped at times in my childhood as any child may imagine when someone causes them any kind of pain, but when I was told of his death, the reality was hard and cold. This was a major catalyst to my drinking career. In my underdeveloped ability to reason, I had been permanently abandoned by the man I adored and hated all at the same time.
Sadly, I still struggle with this on many levels. Being sober has increased the emotional accountability factor, thus making it harder to deny that I am not completely over the death of my father twenty two years ago.
Even now, I sit here and it rattles me. The pain is sometimes like an streak of electricity that runs deep within my core. I am strangely drawn to intensity I feel but instantly repulsed at the devastation that is still very present with my heart. So much so, the prime motivation for my self medication was because I simply did not know how to deal with the inability to control the events in my life. But, I was able to control my out of control behavior (it makes sense). I lived in denial on a daily basis. This became my safe haven from needing to allow myself to grieve immensely.
And today, when I have question regarding where I am in my sober life, the issue always seems to come down to the fact that I am still learning to cope and release myself from the heart wreching guilt I feel for being alive while my father is dead.
Right now, I am on an airplane. I am writing this and looking at a picture of my father while I type. And, as I keep reading the words I have written over, I feel a sense of accomplishment with the slightest twinge of degradation. My self medicating looks more like an antibiotic regimen than a heroin habit. I question, yes, but it is because I can at this point. If you seek answers and you don't ask, even if it's a question to yourself, you'll never find the truth you are searching for.
I sit here at 31,00 ft and I am figuratively the closest to my father than I will ever be, given his propensity for flying and jumping out of planes. True, I miss flying around the sky with him (again, on so many different levels) but today, I'm really glad to be landing on the ground. Passed on the free cocktails, ate the snacks and realize that this whole sobriety thing, after six and a half years and counting, may actually work.
And may actually work really well.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thank you.
Thank you for all the e-mails, comments and support for the Stigma of Being Sober article and subsequent radio interview.
Here's the link to the interview:
http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080509/BLOG/80509034
Here's the link to the interview:
http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080509/BLOG/80509034
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)