Throughout life, I find that the most adverse situations sparks the most intense creativity. I don't mean that when something is upsetting, wielding a paintbrush and canvas will solve the issue at hand. Nor do I find that creativity has to be purely artistic in nature during tumultuous periods.
It's as if, when facing emotional distress, one can take that overwhelming feeling and begin to look at it from another perspective. For example, one time I was unable to be persent in certain relationships in my life for one reason or another. I was heartbroken, hurt and devastated by the notion that I was absent and unable to watch the relationship grow. I decided that I would create a journal and write an entry every single day until I was able to repair the relationship. Nothing emotionally earth shattering, just simple thoughts so that they knew I was thinking and caring every day. And while the relationship repaired itself, I've kept the journal for a day long in the future should the questions ever arise of that very sad time.
There are times when I feel so much sorrow and pain that picking up a paintbrush or actually acknowledging those feelings is the last thing I want to do. It's so easy to remain ambivalent about it and let negativity bottle up inside. I have to fight myself kicking and screaming to actually deal with the issues at hand. When I feel my worst, I drag out something that will let me release a bit of emotional pressure; A pencil, pen or even a crossword that will engage a different thought process.
It helps. It lightens the load for a brief moment. And at times, it lends itself to some seriously amazing self realization.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Acceptance
I've written many times over the years about the overwhelming need in our society to accept those people in recovery.
Today, I have been thinking on a much smaller scale. In recent months, I have found myself facing many personal challenges that have little to do with recovery itself. These challenges have been across the gamut of emotions; from losing relationships to dealing with everyday occurrences in the workplace. I've had people tell me I should change who I am, that I should live my life differently. I shouldn't be so blunt, I should be humble, etc etc. And, while I take all of this to heart on so many levels, it's just about irked me to the point that I feel like locking the gate to my house and just existing as a hermit.
On second thought, that will never happen.
Throughout just about my entire adult life, I have always asked to be accepted for who I am as the unique individual that I believe exists. This is not to say that there are behaviors that need modification. Should I pick up the phone more often? Yes. Should I live within my means? Probably. When I argue, is it advantageous to me in any way to have a hissy fit? Not at all. To me, a lot of the frustration I feel in my life is not being accepted as myself. And this frustration leads me to behave in a negative way. I accept me. I know that I will spend the rest of my life in recovery. I know that being over emotional isn't always appropriate. However, I also know that I love people and life with a uniqueness that is not questioned in my mind. I've forgiven myself for my past and I look forward to what will come in the future.
It has always been my hope that one day, I am able to separate those people who will appreciate the idiosyncrasies from those who condemn them. That I will give little thought to those people who see my sobriety, my life and my quirks as something less than stellar. Because, I know who I am. I know how much passion I have for my life. And convincing those people who question my core integrity doesn't really matter as much as they did. I truly believe, if I keep tweaking elements in my life, that who I am will shine through.
Today, I have been thinking on a much smaller scale. In recent months, I have found myself facing many personal challenges that have little to do with recovery itself. These challenges have been across the gamut of emotions; from losing relationships to dealing with everyday occurrences in the workplace. I've had people tell me I should change who I am, that I should live my life differently. I shouldn't be so blunt, I should be humble, etc etc. And, while I take all of this to heart on so many levels, it's just about irked me to the point that I feel like locking the gate to my house and just existing as a hermit.
On second thought, that will never happen.
Throughout just about my entire adult life, I have always asked to be accepted for who I am as the unique individual that I believe exists. This is not to say that there are behaviors that need modification. Should I pick up the phone more often? Yes. Should I live within my means? Probably. When I argue, is it advantageous to me in any way to have a hissy fit? Not at all. To me, a lot of the frustration I feel in my life is not being accepted as myself. And this frustration leads me to behave in a negative way. I accept me. I know that I will spend the rest of my life in recovery. I know that being over emotional isn't always appropriate. However, I also know that I love people and life with a uniqueness that is not questioned in my mind. I've forgiven myself for my past and I look forward to what will come in the future.
It has always been my hope that one day, I am able to separate those people who will appreciate the idiosyncrasies from those who condemn them. That I will give little thought to those people who see my sobriety, my life and my quirks as something less than stellar. Because, I know who I am. I know how much passion I have for my life. And convincing those people who question my core integrity doesn't really matter as much as they did. I truly believe, if I keep tweaking elements in my life, that who I am will shine through.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Perfectly Flawed.
PERFECT
Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed
This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am not perfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.
If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before a client meeting. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no client meeting.
But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.
When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.
Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.
When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense woman. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.
Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.
Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed
This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am not perfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.
If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before a client meeting. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no client meeting.
But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.
When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.
Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.
When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense woman. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.
Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.
Monday, June 09, 2008
When life hurts.
Over the last five days, I have felt a tremendous amount of stress. The car broke down to the tune of $5,000. Dating is ridiculous. People bother me. Others lie. I felt hurt. It's hot and miserable. The economy is getting worse. I'm feeling angst on just about every level, in every way.
All of these things seem to snowball and create MORE stress because I let it. It's hard to rationalize all of the emotions and particulars when you just feel like you've been beaten down by just about everything and everyone.
AND, all of these stress events typically make me dig really deep into the hole that I find remarkably safe and dark. I will ignore everyone until I can get it straight. I do not return phone calls. I just exist in my own little world feeling absolutely pathetic. Today, I've never wanted to get out of this hole more in my life. I'm tired of letting my emotions get the better of me. The self deprecation. The serious self loathing that I feel because of things I cannot control. The whole process is truly daunting.
The funny thing is that during some of this stress, I overlooked one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. I was so inside myself, I barely saw the nature that surrounds me. I could only muster simple conversation with someone I care about. I just felt numb.
So, my thought today is that there comes a time to get out of the hole, even when things are at their worst. We are alive. We sometimes have to OVERLOOK the small stuff and realize that life is so much bigger and better. I have this picture below, to remind me that I had a wonderful time yesterday. That all the stress will work itself out.
And today, I am trying so hard to do so.
All of these things seem to snowball and create MORE stress because I let it. It's hard to rationalize all of the emotions and particulars when you just feel like you've been beaten down by just about everything and everyone.
AND, all of these stress events typically make me dig really deep into the hole that I find remarkably safe and dark. I will ignore everyone until I can get it straight. I do not return phone calls. I just exist in my own little world feeling absolutely pathetic. Today, I've never wanted to get out of this hole more in my life. I'm tired of letting my emotions get the better of me. The self deprecation. The serious self loathing that I feel because of things I cannot control. The whole process is truly daunting.
The funny thing is that during some of this stress, I overlooked one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. I was so inside myself, I barely saw the nature that surrounds me. I could only muster simple conversation with someone I care about. I just felt numb.
So, my thought today is that there comes a time to get out of the hole, even when things are at their worst. We are alive. We sometimes have to OVERLOOK the small stuff and realize that life is so much bigger and better. I have this picture below, to remind me that I had a wonderful time yesterday. That all the stress will work itself out.
And today, I am trying so hard to do so.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Addiction in Public
After being on vacation and removing myself almost completely from any mainstream media, I picked up our daily NY newspaper yesterday to read the cover story of Tatum O Neal and her recent alleged drug buying woes.
With all the media outlets today, it's easy to be judgemental toward people who are very public and suffering the same addiction problems that afflict millions of people in the privacy of their own homes. One reads about young and old celebrities who are out of control and publicly battling their own demons. And we, as readers, are privy to journalistic slants and bias towards these over exposed figures. The media and our entertainment centric culture seem to blow out these addictions. For example, the article I read regarding Tatum cites her unstable upbringing and faulty marriage. It goes on to write about how she lied to the police about playing a movie part. Drama. Drama Drama. All I know is that when I read this article, I saw a person who made a wrong choice during the on-going daily (and sometimes hourly) battle to stay sober. Chances are, any person who suffers sustained addiction problems has lived in remarkable dysfunction on many levels. To be sober and clean is the most personal struggle there is.
And that is what, if there a need to cover these people in the news, should be the focal point of the article. Yes, she is a public figure. Yes, there are consequences to being famous in an all consuming media society. But, there is a real need for someone to stop and say, "here is a person who battles EVERY day and right now she's losing", how do we address this in the most altruistic and constructive way possible for the millions of readers who suffer the SAME problems privately? Couldn't one outlet write something supportive? To any of these people, famous or not?
Again, I read the antics of the young celebrities and cringe. It's easy to fault them when the information is in front of you. But, those antics often lead to worse issues that eventually manifest themselves into real addiction problems. And people vicariously live through their failures reassuring themselves that they are okay. When one goes to rehab, the articles and news focus on what they ate and how horrible it is that they are there. In reality, famous or not, this is a never ending battle. What we go through and how we deal with our demons is so very subjective. And no one knows what happens behind closed doors, famous or not.
The next time you read one of these crazy stories about a public figure, think about what they may be going through. Think about what all the people you DON'T read about must go through. Anonymity is a luxury these days and the more addiction is publicly accepted and understood, the easier it may be for one person, famous or non-famous, to get help.
With all the media outlets today, it's easy to be judgemental toward people who are very public and suffering the same addiction problems that afflict millions of people in the privacy of their own homes. One reads about young and old celebrities who are out of control and publicly battling their own demons. And we, as readers, are privy to journalistic slants and bias towards these over exposed figures. The media and our entertainment centric culture seem to blow out these addictions. For example, the article I read regarding Tatum cites her unstable upbringing and faulty marriage. It goes on to write about how she lied to the police about playing a movie part. Drama. Drama Drama. All I know is that when I read this article, I saw a person who made a wrong choice during the on-going daily (and sometimes hourly) battle to stay sober. Chances are, any person who suffers sustained addiction problems has lived in remarkable dysfunction on many levels. To be sober and clean is the most personal struggle there is.
And that is what, if there a need to cover these people in the news, should be the focal point of the article. Yes, she is a public figure. Yes, there are consequences to being famous in an all consuming media society. But, there is a real need for someone to stop and say, "here is a person who battles EVERY day and right now she's losing", how do we address this in the most altruistic and constructive way possible for the millions of readers who suffer the SAME problems privately? Couldn't one outlet write something supportive? To any of these people, famous or not?
Again, I read the antics of the young celebrities and cringe. It's easy to fault them when the information is in front of you. But, those antics often lead to worse issues that eventually manifest themselves into real addiction problems. And people vicariously live through their failures reassuring themselves that they are okay. When one goes to rehab, the articles and news focus on what they ate and how horrible it is that they are there. In reality, famous or not, this is a never ending battle. What we go through and how we deal with our demons is so very subjective. And no one knows what happens behind closed doors, famous or not.
The next time you read one of these crazy stories about a public figure, think about what they may be going through. Think about what all the people you DON'T read about must go through. Anonymity is a luxury these days and the more addiction is publicly accepted and understood, the easier it may be for one person, famous or non-famous, to get help.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Perception
No matter what you do or how hard you work on your life, people will always have perceptions of you that may or may not be true. I found this out this weekend when a friend of mine voiced his opinion on my life. The problem with this was that the facts leading to this opinion were not accurate. I found myself remarkably defensive in the situation and I walked away feeling angry and frustrated.
Then the thought process:
While it matters what people think to a degree, the way one lives their life can only be accurately judged by the person in it. And our responsibility is to live life in the most honest and real way we know how.
And as much as this opinion hurt, and it hurt, I have spent the last twelve hours trying to figure out how to move on from it and realized that this person isn't in my life on a daily and barely a weekly basis. I found myself re-reading the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz and realizing that the only thing I can do is hope that one day his opinion changes to match the way my life is actually led:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Then the thought process:
While it matters what people think to a degree, the way one lives their life can only be accurately judged by the person in it. And our responsibility is to live life in the most honest and real way we know how.
And as much as this opinion hurt, and it hurt, I have spent the last twelve hours trying to figure out how to move on from it and realized that this person isn't in my life on a daily and barely a weekly basis. I found myself re-reading the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz and realizing that the only thing I can do is hope that one day his opinion changes to match the way my life is actually led:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
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