In all the years I have been sober, change has been constant throughout my recovery process. Some of the changes I have made have been apparent; I stopped drinking, I weeded out the toxicity in my life. Other changes have crept up on me.
Over the last few weeks, I have come to terms with a lot of my past. I expect the catalyst has been that I've just grown tired of focusing so much energy on what I have carried around with me most of my life. It hasn't done anything for emotional growth except hinder my ability to see where the future is going. And frankly, I'm just done with the elements in my life that don't work.
Because of this, I am changing quite profoundly. It's not that life is easier...because it's not. It's not that there is this sudden "Aha" moment. I have just been moving myself into the emotional and physical space I want to be in. I see it. I feel it. And it all stems from the fact that there are so many more important things in life than stale memories.
My motto in the last two weeks, one that I derived with a friend on vacation last week: "If you don't see it in your future, it shouldn't be in your present".
And I never knew how true that really has become.
Happy Monday.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Emotional Responsibility
Responsibility seems to be the buzzword in life lately. Yes, being responsible entails going to work, taking care of ourselves, paying bills on time, making sure the dog is fed.I find that making sure that the bills are paid is getting easier. Feeding the dog is necessary. Getting up and going to work is a given (though I am still always prone to think about picking up the phone when it's a beautiful day out and calling in sick, something that I don't even do anymore). But, when it comes to emotional responsibility, that requires more attention.
Emotional responsibility is one of those gray areas. We are accountable for our actions. We are responsible to ourselves and in turn, we are able to give ourselves more freely to others. When we are wrong, we should admit it, without excuses or blame. Many times we take responsibility for other people's actions so that we do not have to focus on our own. I know that I have taken on many circumstances in my life that did not belong to me. I did not have the ability to create necessary healthy boundaries to enable relationships to grow. I simply took on someone else or someones issues and made them my own. This, along with undue stress, caused me to expend far too much energy in places I had no business.
Two days ago I realized that I am becoming more emotionally responsible each day. I let go of anger and rationalize. I think more before I react. I try to speak from reason and not from the seat of my pants. And in turn, I feel as if I have taken small steps forward in my own process. I own up to my emotions and try to be completely honest. Something that was always inconsistent.It's a difficult process, however.
Personally speaking, I had spent years shunning responsibility on a whole for the easy road. I skated through life blaming and speaking about change without ever really changing. I stopped drinking, yes, but the issues and emotions that came with that eventually overwhelmed me to the point of several confrontations and conflicts within myself.I have accepted the fact that I may be emotionally challenged at times, but I am far from irresponsible. I understand what I am able to control what I am solely responsible for. And, I make mistakes. I falter occasionally. We all do.
I look at my emotional life in terms of a bank account these days (and why wouldn't I? I didn't have a bank account for almost four years because of my prior actions and now I have those silly checks with cartoons again). I have gotten out of emotional debt and am now working on replenishing my "savings" account. While I still worry about bouncing "emotional" checks, I've allowed myself some overdraft protection. I save, I spend, but I keep it as balanced as possible. I am allowed to ask for help when balancing my emotional checkbook.
And to me, that again solidifies my need to be honest with myself. It's easier than blame. It allows me to contain my own life and do what's best for me, and in turn, continue to do what's best for those I love.
Emotional responsibility is one of those gray areas. We are accountable for our actions. We are responsible to ourselves and in turn, we are able to give ourselves more freely to others. When we are wrong, we should admit it, without excuses or blame. Many times we take responsibility for other people's actions so that we do not have to focus on our own. I know that I have taken on many circumstances in my life that did not belong to me. I did not have the ability to create necessary healthy boundaries to enable relationships to grow. I simply took on someone else or someones issues and made them my own. This, along with undue stress, caused me to expend far too much energy in places I had no business.
Two days ago I realized that I am becoming more emotionally responsible each day. I let go of anger and rationalize. I think more before I react. I try to speak from reason and not from the seat of my pants. And in turn, I feel as if I have taken small steps forward in my own process. I own up to my emotions and try to be completely honest. Something that was always inconsistent.It's a difficult process, however.
Personally speaking, I had spent years shunning responsibility on a whole for the easy road. I skated through life blaming and speaking about change without ever really changing. I stopped drinking, yes, but the issues and emotions that came with that eventually overwhelmed me to the point of several confrontations and conflicts within myself.I have accepted the fact that I may be emotionally challenged at times, but I am far from irresponsible. I understand what I am able to control what I am solely responsible for. And, I make mistakes. I falter occasionally. We all do.
I look at my emotional life in terms of a bank account these days (and why wouldn't I? I didn't have a bank account for almost four years because of my prior actions and now I have those silly checks with cartoons again). I have gotten out of emotional debt and am now working on replenishing my "savings" account. While I still worry about bouncing "emotional" checks, I've allowed myself some overdraft protection. I save, I spend, but I keep it as balanced as possible. I am allowed to ask for help when balancing my emotional checkbook.
And to me, that again solidifies my need to be honest with myself. It's easier than blame. It allows me to contain my own life and do what's best for me, and in turn, continue to do what's best for those I love.
Grounding
This week, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I need to make some major life decisions, ones that will impact the future on many levels; personal, professional, financial.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Adversity
Throughout life, I find that the most adverse situations sparks the most intense creativity. I don't mean that when something is upsetting, wielding a paintbrush and canvas will solve the issue at hand. Nor do I find that creativity has to be purely artistic in nature during tumultuous periods.
It's as if, when facing emotional distress, one can take that overwhelming feeling and begin to look at it from another perspective. For example, one time I was unable to be persent in certain relationships in my life for one reason or another. I was heartbroken, hurt and devastated by the notion that I was absent and unable to watch the relationship grow. I decided that I would create a journal and write an entry every single day until I was able to repair the relationship. Nothing emotionally earth shattering, just simple thoughts so that they knew I was thinking and caring every day. And while the relationship repaired itself, I've kept the journal for a day long in the future should the questions ever arise of that very sad time.
There are times when I feel so much sorrow and pain that picking up a paintbrush or actually acknowledging those feelings is the last thing I want to do. It's so easy to remain ambivalent about it and let negativity bottle up inside. I have to fight myself kicking and screaming to actually deal with the issues at hand. When I feel my worst, I drag out something that will let me release a bit of emotional pressure; A pencil, pen or even a crossword that will engage a different thought process.
It helps. It lightens the load for a brief moment. And at times, it lends itself to some seriously amazing self realization.
It's as if, when facing emotional distress, one can take that overwhelming feeling and begin to look at it from another perspective. For example, one time I was unable to be persent in certain relationships in my life for one reason or another. I was heartbroken, hurt and devastated by the notion that I was absent and unable to watch the relationship grow. I decided that I would create a journal and write an entry every single day until I was able to repair the relationship. Nothing emotionally earth shattering, just simple thoughts so that they knew I was thinking and caring every day. And while the relationship repaired itself, I've kept the journal for a day long in the future should the questions ever arise of that very sad time.
There are times when I feel so much sorrow and pain that picking up a paintbrush or actually acknowledging those feelings is the last thing I want to do. It's so easy to remain ambivalent about it and let negativity bottle up inside. I have to fight myself kicking and screaming to actually deal with the issues at hand. When I feel my worst, I drag out something that will let me release a bit of emotional pressure; A pencil, pen or even a crossword that will engage a different thought process.
It helps. It lightens the load for a brief moment. And at times, it lends itself to some seriously amazing self realization.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Acceptance
I've written many times over the years about the overwhelming need in our society to accept those people in recovery.
Today, I have been thinking on a much smaller scale. In recent months, I have found myself facing many personal challenges that have little to do with recovery itself. These challenges have been across the gamut of emotions; from losing relationships to dealing with everyday occurrences in the workplace. I've had people tell me I should change who I am, that I should live my life differently. I shouldn't be so blunt, I should be humble, etc etc. And, while I take all of this to heart on so many levels, it's just about irked me to the point that I feel like locking the gate to my house and just existing as a hermit.
On second thought, that will never happen.
Throughout just about my entire adult life, I have always asked to be accepted for who I am as the unique individual that I believe exists. This is not to say that there are behaviors that need modification. Should I pick up the phone more often? Yes. Should I live within my means? Probably. When I argue, is it advantageous to me in any way to have a hissy fit? Not at all. To me, a lot of the frustration I feel in my life is not being accepted as myself. And this frustration leads me to behave in a negative way. I accept me. I know that I will spend the rest of my life in recovery. I know that being over emotional isn't always appropriate. However, I also know that I love people and life with a uniqueness that is not questioned in my mind. I've forgiven myself for my past and I look forward to what will come in the future.
It has always been my hope that one day, I am able to separate those people who will appreciate the idiosyncrasies from those who condemn them. That I will give little thought to those people who see my sobriety, my life and my quirks as something less than stellar. Because, I know who I am. I know how much passion I have for my life. And convincing those people who question my core integrity doesn't really matter as much as they did. I truly believe, if I keep tweaking elements in my life, that who I am will shine through.
Today, I have been thinking on a much smaller scale. In recent months, I have found myself facing many personal challenges that have little to do with recovery itself. These challenges have been across the gamut of emotions; from losing relationships to dealing with everyday occurrences in the workplace. I've had people tell me I should change who I am, that I should live my life differently. I shouldn't be so blunt, I should be humble, etc etc. And, while I take all of this to heart on so many levels, it's just about irked me to the point that I feel like locking the gate to my house and just existing as a hermit.
On second thought, that will never happen.
Throughout just about my entire adult life, I have always asked to be accepted for who I am as the unique individual that I believe exists. This is not to say that there are behaviors that need modification. Should I pick up the phone more often? Yes. Should I live within my means? Probably. When I argue, is it advantageous to me in any way to have a hissy fit? Not at all. To me, a lot of the frustration I feel in my life is not being accepted as myself. And this frustration leads me to behave in a negative way. I accept me. I know that I will spend the rest of my life in recovery. I know that being over emotional isn't always appropriate. However, I also know that I love people and life with a uniqueness that is not questioned in my mind. I've forgiven myself for my past and I look forward to what will come in the future.
It has always been my hope that one day, I am able to separate those people who will appreciate the idiosyncrasies from those who condemn them. That I will give little thought to those people who see my sobriety, my life and my quirks as something less than stellar. Because, I know who I am. I know how much passion I have for my life. And convincing those people who question my core integrity doesn't really matter as much as they did. I truly believe, if I keep tweaking elements in my life, that who I am will shine through.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Perfectly Flawed.
PERFECT
Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed
This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am not perfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.
If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before a client meeting. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no client meeting.
But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.
When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.
Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.
When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense woman. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.
Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.
Part of Speech:
adjective
Definition:
Supremely excellent in quality or nature.
Synonyms:
absolute, consummate, faultless, flawless, impeccable, indefectible, unflawed
This morning, I decided to look up the many synonyms for the word perfect in hopes that I may find one that would accurately describe any part of my life. I know, needle in a haystack. I kept thinking: "What is perfection? What is the perfect situation, the perfect life, the perfect moment?" I was hopelessly curious how I measured up. Perhaps trying to counter all the reasons why I am not perfect that I have been furiously writing in my journal of late. Or maybe I have been looking to sell the idea that perfection, in any situation, rarely exists.
If you look at the aforementioned synonyms; words like absolute, impeccable, indefectible come across as so very definitive. I will never be completely impeccable in my life, I never fail to have a small stain or two pop out right before a client meeting. Absolute? The word itself reminds me too much of the drink. Faultless? Egads. Flawless? Only on a good hair day with no client meeting.
But it's more than that. I think there are times when we expect that life is supposed to be perfect, in a sense. We look for things to fit a certain mold. We expect that life will one day be flaw free. And in this thinking, our expectations become unreasonable and ultimately led to having to deal with reality.
When I was young, I expected my life to be perfect. The reality of my life, even as I was conjuring up these fantasies, was that it was far from perfect. It was sad and dark for many many years. And my frustration and conflict would grow to unprecedented levels because no matter how I felt or what I did, life just would not conform.
Today, I walk around thinking that I am perfectly flawed. I am striving to accept life for it's IMPERFECTIONS because those are the most beautiful aspects.
When I imagine myself, I see flaws. I also see where I want to be, flaws included. I make mistakes like crazy-I scream and yell when I am upset at times because I am truly an emotionally intense woman. I'm okay with this as long as I really try to contain myself for five minutes before to think it out. I don't always say or do the right things. This too, I am okay with.
Perfection, to me, does not allow for growth. And life is all about evolving, growing and realizing that our flaws are part of the whole life package.
Monday, June 09, 2008
When life hurts.
Over the last five days, I have felt a tremendous amount of stress. The car broke down to the tune of $5,000. Dating is ridiculous. People bother me. Others lie. I felt hurt. It's hot and miserable. The economy is getting worse. I'm feeling angst on just about every level, in every way.
All of these things seem to snowball and create MORE stress because I let it. It's hard to rationalize all of the emotions and particulars when you just feel like you've been beaten down by just about everything and everyone.
AND, all of these stress events typically make me dig really deep into the hole that I find remarkably safe and dark. I will ignore everyone until I can get it straight. I do not return phone calls. I just exist in my own little world feeling absolutely pathetic. Today, I've never wanted to get out of this hole more in my life. I'm tired of letting my emotions get the better of me. The self deprecation. The serious self loathing that I feel because of things I cannot control. The whole process is truly daunting.
The funny thing is that during some of this stress, I overlooked one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. I was so inside myself, I barely saw the nature that surrounds me. I could only muster simple conversation with someone I care about. I just felt numb.
So, my thought today is that there comes a time to get out of the hole, even when things are at their worst. We are alive. We sometimes have to OVERLOOK the small stuff and realize that life is so much bigger and better. I have this picture below, to remind me that I had a wonderful time yesterday. That all the stress will work itself out.
And today, I am trying so hard to do so.
All of these things seem to snowball and create MORE stress because I let it. It's hard to rationalize all of the emotions and particulars when you just feel like you've been beaten down by just about everything and everyone.
AND, all of these stress events typically make me dig really deep into the hole that I find remarkably safe and dark. I will ignore everyone until I can get it straight. I do not return phone calls. I just exist in my own little world feeling absolutely pathetic. Today, I've never wanted to get out of this hole more in my life. I'm tired of letting my emotions get the better of me. The self deprecation. The serious self loathing that I feel because of things I cannot control. The whole process is truly daunting.
The funny thing is that during some of this stress, I overlooked one of the greatest days I've had in a long time. I was so inside myself, I barely saw the nature that surrounds me. I could only muster simple conversation with someone I care about. I just felt numb.
So, my thought today is that there comes a time to get out of the hole, even when things are at their worst. We are alive. We sometimes have to OVERLOOK the small stuff and realize that life is so much bigger and better. I have this picture below, to remind me that I had a wonderful time yesterday. That all the stress will work itself out.
And today, I am trying so hard to do so.
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