Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A long time coming....

It's hard to believe that in two months, I have put aside my sobriety for what I considered to be "life". I spent time finding a new job, spending time with my dog and saying that "tomorrow I would blog".

Tomorrow turned into days and weeks and suddenly, months. I started to lose sight of my sobriety. Though I haven't touched alcohol in almost four years, I lapsed into laziness. My focus was blurred by my need to what many people deem normal.

Normal doesn't cut it for someone in recovery. We battle self esteem issues. We strive to please everyone but ourselves at times. There's insecurity, issues trusting ourselves and the fundamental need to uncover the truth that lies within us.

And on top of that, I believe that we are challenged to be brutally honest with ourselves. And that honesty, I have found in the last two months, is sometimes painful and difficult to comprehend.

Those are the standard issues. There is also that perpetual monkey on our backs trying to coax one back into a life of irresponsiblity. And why not? It's easy. We can avoid the truth and skate through life. We can hurt those we love, leave them and never take responsiblity for it. Life as an active alcoholic allows us the freedom to lie and deceive those in our lives. It forces us to focus on everything but ourselves, the one element that needs the most attention.

This battle between life as it was and life as it is has really struck me in the last few months, as situations have forced me to put life into perspective. My reserves that I once drew upon were no longer sufficent. My morality, my character and my integrity almost became compromised at the hand of another's insecurity. I allowed myself to believe that maybe sobriety wasn't the way to go. That simply not drinking would suffice. And in the midst of this, I was trying to start a new job, new relationship and another chapter of my life.

And as I stared at a bottle of gin not too long ago, I knew that I had to begin the process of replenishing my emotional strength. I knew that if I continued to demoralize myself, to hurt myself by not living as fully as I am capable, that I would be back to a time four years prior. My drinking dreams weaved in and out of my nights. I cried for loss. I woke up panic striken that I would pick up a drink again to numb the pain I felt. I lashed out at the one man who took the time to understand me. All for the romantic notion that I could one day drink again.

So, in some ways, I feel like I am back on my path with baby steps this time. Perhaps not so much gusto, but goals and aspirations that befit my needs. That everything is not within my control and there will always be people who do not believe in change. There will also be a time where I may not be comfortable with the decision that I have made, but nonetheless, I have made a solid committment to myself and to those who continue to show love and support.

And I renew that committment to myself and my sobriety. The truth that lies within me has been in the works for many years. The road that I have put myself on remains rocky but passable.

And I have the honesty and strength that I thought to be nonexistent.

So, sobriety continues. Life continues. There are no straight answers, but many questions that will have to be put to rest for the time being. And I walk on, leaving the insecurity and negativity behind.

6 comments:

NMAMFQLMSH said...

Glad to hear/read you again.

littleblueshooz said...

welcome back beauty.

how is it that I can read YOUR post and feel like you just yanked the curtain that hides my heart?

I have never commented here before but I have read your posts in the past and I am so glad to see you back...

don't give in.
don't give up.
walk on.

bill buckley said...

Hi sobriety girl, I come from a family of heavy drinkers tho I avoided that curse somehow. The failure we all face is not trying. I smoked for many years and finally gave it up but it was a struggle I won. You keep up your good fight. I've been there too.

johno said...

Glad you are back too

Grace said...

Good to see you post again, you sound as if you have been on quite a journey. Glad you are still on the right path :-)

flog65364263 said...

It's good to see you did not pick up. Youe were, however, close to the edge. I don't like to go near the edge, it is far too dangerous.