Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Enough is enough.

One of the many things that I found dysfunctional in my life as an active alcoholic was the serious inability I had to decipher when it was simply time to let go of a negative situation.

In the past, I clung with all my might to maintain and keep close those elements in my life that weren't working. My marriage? I knew it was over so long before and did nothing but live in misery. My toxic friends and relationships? Held them around for as long as possible. It's as if I needed the self-deprecation and pain in my life. It's familiar. And it's a comfort zone that I very rarely traveled from.

When I became sober, it was very obvious to see which of these relationships and situations I needed to shed. I was beginning recovery and everything had that "new car" smell to it. I changed my life with one drastic measure, so dumping all the toxicity was easy at the time. I was on a serious mission to rid my life of all the negativity.

Years later, the "pink cloud" that is analogous to the "new car" smell has dissipated significantly. The benchmarks of what I accomplish are no longer measured in leaps and bounds. And I have found it very easy for old emotional habits to come creeping back into life when least expected.

However, while old habits do creep through, I have learned to move out of that dismal comfort zone in which I have lived so much of my life. If a relationship is no longer healthy, I will eventually let it go. If I feel self destruction coming around the bend, I do my best to counter it with something that is constructive.

This weekend, it happened. I stood ground for what could evolve into unhealthiness. I made a decision and will stick by it, for the good of myself and necessity of successful recovery. And in the process, the feelings of sadness carry only the weight of loss. There is no weight of maintaining the dysfunction, no weight to carry knowing that I could not control my own situation and ultimate goal of happiness.

And to recognize this has allowed a variation of that early "pink cloud" I once felt. And it's good to know that being sober has given me the tools to process, grieve and let it go.


shinyruby2 said...

nice.. inspiring post.. x

Anonymous said...

I agree with shinyruby2. I struggle with letting go of toxicity. Sometimes I feel like I DON'T know if it is toxic for me or not, if I am overreacting, or WHAT! But, I just keep moving forward. Gently. :)

Grace said...

Letting go of negative situations has been a nightmare for me too. I've let go of one mentally recently thats been over for about 5 years and has held me back ever since. Yesterday I had a physical symbolic ritual of throwing away a box of 'associated memories', this morning I panicked and thought about getting it out of the trash, but no, it can stay there, reading this makes me realise how its been hloding me back.

Anonymous said...

i just wanted to say thank you for being there. I can relate to the things that u write about and am trying to stay sober. I figured if what i was doing wasnt working it was time for me to do something new. and i do believe that i can stay sober this time around and i know that i will read your entries daily. Thank you for helping me save my life..