Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Picking up the pieces

Over the course of my adult life, I have found that I am a sweeper of sorts. Frequently, I find that I am left to pick up pieces of many situations of my life. Many of these pieces that I pick up are either broken due to myself or the relationships I have with others. And for many many years, I've waited for someone else to come in and sweep up what's been broken.

Today, I know that no one carries the broom but me. It hit me the other day as I have finally started the book that needs to be written. I've been waiting for others to take responsibility for my feelings. In reality, the only person who can gain closure to any situation that has had an emotional impact is ourselves. We have to own it in order to let it go. Can I go back and ask my deceased father why he left me at such a young age? No. Can I keep wondering why such and such a relationship didn't work out? Not worth it.

All of the emotional pieces; anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, joy, love. Those are mine to pick up and put back together the way that is the most healthy and constructive to my life.

And, I am ready to do this. I am absolutely resolved to not sweep my past under the rug. I am choosing those emotions I want to put into the larger puzzle of my life and discarding the ones that cause me the most grief.

1 comment:

AA Blogger said...

I enjoyed reading what you had to say. I think there is a lot of truth in the points you make. I also feel it is important to remember that we can take on the role off sweeping up with a mindset of love (which of course is a mindset that helps all situations).

I have found that taking responsibility for my life was and is an important step in recovery. What made me really groan about having to grow up (i.e. taking responsibility) was that I also had to try to bring things like understanding, compassion, and love into the equation. That proved to be a much greater challenge than my initial, begruding I-am-taking-ownership of my own stuff mentality. And in some ways it still is. Fortunately I do have enough experience to at least know that being nice is the sweeter road. It helps me when I want to act like - I will be responsible but I don't have to like it.

Anyway, thank you for the post and for sparking these thoughts in my own mind.

All the best in sobriety,
AA Blogger