Wednesday, May 20, 2009


" . . . Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose."
-Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"

In the wake of my recovery and likely my perciptious road to it, I have become painfully aware of the expectations I set for myself on many levels. I wish to succeed professionally (okay, lost the actual professional job, but I'm still writing a book), attain true honesty within my heart and soul and live my life with happiness. The standards may be lofty as I truly believe something great is on the brink of emulating from the growth and awareness I am gaining. I just wish, in my lack of ability for self effacingness, that I figure out what the hell this brink is and how to get there. It confuses me. I find that the closer I come to realizing this maturity and ability to achieve all levels of the success I strive for, the harder I try to sabotage it.

I am more comfortable with self deprecation than I am with self adaptation. Yet, there is a part of me that understands that this is a process we all go through (some of us actually go through this during childhood and adolescence...think I skipped that class) and that when we let go of the fear, life becomes possible. I have been neither ready or willing to let go of fear without paying my own price. Immediately, I will bring myself back into a space that doesn't allow for movement. Trapped within my own fear. And this fear is what I am looking to use as my weapon in battling the life I deserve and want with great passion. I'm out here swinging and in my dolorous armor, I'm slow on the life uptake. Sometimes I think I should just hit myself and get over it. And I think that more and more everyday (something must be working).

So, do I compromise and lower the expectations I have set for myself and my "lofty" ambitions? I don't think so. Do I get a life and start doing what I'm meant to do? I think so....wait, I know so.

The more we do to truly be who we want and what we want, the more "greatness" emulates. And that, to me, is a pretty attainable goal.


Phil Hozer said...

Awwwww, sweet fear! There are times within my own recovery that fear is/was abut the only thing I could feel, the paradox being that I was afraid of most any other feeling, especially if it were positive and if I were feeling good about myself. Somehow, these "good" feelings were somehow "bad" in my twisted psyche and I was not/am not capable of loving/caring/giving (though I am) and I am certainly not worthy of recieving anything positive including (but not limited to) love, friendship, etc. My own self image often had the impact of ruining any chance at a healthy relationship professional or personnnal. Therefore, I looked down upon myself because of the goals I did not meet, there was the frustration at not being appreciated (in my opinion), the pain of being alone on a personnal level, the thought that I deserved to live like this and the abject fear that this is the way things would always be! Then, of course, the fear of doing something different and not knowing the outcome. No wonder I drank so much!

Mark said...

I've enjoyed looking at your blog. You're obviously a talented writer. I have started a similar blog, and I thought you might enjoy checking it out. I haven't written a new post for a few weeks, but reading your blog has inspired me. Keep trudging the road to happy destiny!