Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Demise.

As there are many cycles in our lives, I find one cycle within sobriety that has been resonating over and over again in the last year. Over the last few weeks, I have been dealing with my ever questioning state of sobriety with a scowl and intermittent indifference. The cycle of questions that force me to look at where I am in my life and what I truly need to be happy and content with the decisions I make. Formulate a plan. Let go of the past. Live life with gusto. Be sober. Be happy. And my addicted self, all the while, is hanging on my back like a bad relationship causing great distress.

The reality is, I am simply growing extremely tired of not being able to truly let go of all the baggage that came with the person I had been. Tired of writing and talking about letting go when, in fact, it hasn't happen on the level that I am seeking. My resistance to let go and just be who I am causes great frustration. And that, in turn, leads me to quickly blame sobriety and how miserable I may perceive it to be. It's an incredibly vicious cycle and one that, if not rectified, can lead to allowing the addicted self to take over.

Not good.

Yesterday, I cried for about an hour sitting at the computer unable to write anything about being sober. I just didn't have the desire to write about it. I've been avoiding it altogether because, again like a bad relationship, my addictive self has been screaming at my sober self a lot lately. And the noise is driving me batty.

Last night, I decided to just off my addictive self. Dead, killed, it's over. If I don't, I may just sit here arguing with myself for the rest of my life. And that will likely either drive me totally insane or lead to a massive bender that will destroy everything I have desired in my life. So, I'm giving my addictive self a nice funeral today. It's time. The demise has happened. Buried, gone, see you later.

Life is too short. Life is way too good (well, the economy and job situation could improve, but hey, it is what it is). Being sober is far too important in my life to allow baggage to weigh me down.

Today, it's another new day. Another cycle...and another stepping stone to happiness that is well deserved.

8 comments:

Syd said...

That sounds really good to me. The old self is dead. I enjoy who I am today. I hope that there were some appropriate songs sung at the funeral. Hang in there.

Sandra K said...

When the wheels of addiction turns wrong, it will ultimately turn right. But beware when the cycle is in our favor, that we must not be blind-sided.

Amanda S said...

Thank you for your blog. I'm sober too, and just went through breaking up with an addictive relationship and feel so raw now. But I have to remember I'm not a lone and drinking over my feelings won't fix anything, just make more problems! love you!

David B. Bohl at CAST Recovery said...

Dear Sobriety Girl,

You're well on your way to killing your addicted self! Carl Jung, the very man who helped Roland Hazard (and thus Ebby Thatcher)to understand teh benefits of a personality change (or spiritual awakening) described the "shadow" that each of us has within us. Our shadow contains those dark thoughts that we don't want to think about, let alone talk about.

The fact that you're talking about these things means that you're well on your way to ridding yourself of them. Congratulations!

Be strong. Be true.

Best Regards,
David

vince said...

Letting go is easily said; our addictive reflexes are not quite so easily dismissed.Identifying the behavior for what it really is and what it can lead to gives us choices we weren't aware of before. From this new perspective we know there is no right way to do the wrong thing.

Pete Hoge said...

I bow to your skills with the king's
english

Pete.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I just found your blog because I was searching for some comforting words on a night where I'm tempted.

I respect that you're an author, sober, and experienced. And I respect that from you're point of view, I'm an anonymous, unsolicited voice on the Internet. I'm not looking for a fight, and I hope you can have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude about what I'm about to say if you disagree.

I think your quest for a burial, and to "let go of the baggage that came with the person" you had been is unrealistic and dangerous. Letting go of past habits is a good thing, but you seem to be wanting more than that. You're looking for a totality and a finality.

Don't you see this is exactly the kind of thinking that drives most people toward addiction? You're embarking on a futile quest: to be someone other than yourself. You will always have your past. Be true to it. Accept it. Maybe it was horrid, but it was still you.

The only serenity I've ever found in recovery has come from owning the ugly things about me that I don't want to look at, and discovering self-love replaces self-fear and self-hatred. What a joy!

On the other hand, the most success I've ever had in "letting go of the past" has been in the forming of getting blissed out on my addiction. Can you guess how well that worked?

God be with ye.

Pink said...

Hi,
I love your blog.

I've been following you for a while and you have no idea how much you've helped me through some hard times. I've never commented before because I'm more of a picture person than a wordsmith.

I recently started a line of sobriety related tees, www.pinkcloudproject.com
Probably similar to your blog, it gives me a place to creatively express myself and keep me proactive and focused on my sobriety.
Anyway, I'd love to give you a t-shirt as a token of my appreciation.

e-mail me through the web site and I'd be more than happy to send you which ever tee you want.

Thanks again for helping to keep me sober today.