Monday, June 06, 2005

Prince Charming or someone like that.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”.
-Victor Hugo

I find myself in one of the most precarious positions in my relationship life thus far. For the first time, I am suddenly realizing that what I am getting from my relationship simply isn’t enough anymore.

How can that be? I should be happy that I have someone in my life. I should be elated that I have put closure to a long time love that I had grieved for the last three years. But, I think about the parameters of my current relationship and it just leaves me feeling empty. And it drives me nuts.

I sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face. Yes, I lost my father when I was young, so am I searching for him again? Do I have enough self worth to walk away from someone that cannot give me what I need? Am I too demanding to want respect and consistency in my life?

Ugh, the questions that go with responsible relationship analysis.

And what is it that we want in relationships. Acceptance for faults? Unconditional love? Someone to share our lives with?

Of course.

But, to put it simply, I want to be loved as much as I love. It’s been so long, I sometimes forget what it’s like to just relax and not do cartwheels in front of my significant other. I am trying to get him to love me with no avail because I am petrified of my other options. Perhaps it’s not him, but me who is afraid to commit to intimacy. And I know that something is probably not right between us, but I insist on finding out what exactly it is instead of letting go.

And why is that? What inside of my heart and mind that makes it so difficult to be with someone else? Why am I so scared of myself?

So, tonight, I am going to do my best to enjoy the company I keep. I will try and keep cartwheels to a bare minimum and enjoy what we do have. Either that or publish a WANTED poster for Prince Charming.


Faith said...

I empathize completely. I'm at the early stages of a new (sober) relationship, and it scares the bejeezus out of me. I can't figure out if I'm afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of love or afraid of intimacy. Whatever it is, I guess, the bottom line is--I'm afraid.

You sound (to me) like you know what you want out of a relationship and you're just not getting it from this one. You won't be happy if you settle. And cartwheels (although fun occasionally) shouldn't be necessary.

Amy said...

Once again, you've reeled me in. Three weeks ago I had to end a 3.5 year realtionship. It was hard because I was scared of being alone, but I realized that even when with him, I felt even more alone.

If you are not getting what you need and what you deserve, as hard as it might be, maybe you should move on. It's scary, but also liberating.

Good luck!

recoveryroad said...

"And why is that? What inside of my heart and mind that makes it so difficult to be with someone else? Why am I so scared of myself?"

Neediness and complications.

It's a simple programme for complicated people.

An interesting post....thanks.

JJ said...

Wow! I want nothing more than someone to be head over heals in love with me. Your blog made me think and made me a little sad. Sometimes I think I will never ever feel love or receive love again. OMG.....think I better sign off.
Peace - JJ

Trudging said...

Great post! Thank you for sharing.

Grateful said...

Just let go.