“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”.
I find myself in one of the most precarious positions in my relationship life thus far. For the first time, I am suddenly realizing that what I am getting from my relationship simply isn’t enough anymore.
How can that be? I should be happy that I have someone in my life. I should be elated that I have put closure to a long time love that I had grieved for the last three years. But, I think about the parameters of my current relationship and it just leaves me feeling empty. And it drives me nuts.
I sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face. Yes, I lost my father when I was young, so am I searching for him again? Do I have enough self worth to walk away from someone that cannot give me what I need? Am I too demanding to want respect and consistency in my life?
Ugh, the questions that go with responsible relationship analysis.
And what is it that we want in relationships. Acceptance for faults? Unconditional love? Someone to share our lives with?
But, to put it simply, I want to be loved as much as I love. It’s been so long, I sometimes forget what it’s like to just relax and not do cartwheels in front of my significant other. I am trying to get him to love me with no avail because I am petrified of my other options. Perhaps it’s not him, but me who is afraid to commit to intimacy. And I know that something is probably not right between us, but I insist on finding out what exactly it is instead of letting go.
And why is that? What inside of my heart and mind that makes it so difficult to be with someone else? Why am I so scared of myself?
So, tonight, I am going to do my best to enjoy the company I keep. I will try and keep cartwheels to a bare minimum and enjoy what we do have. Either that or publish a WANTED poster for Prince Charming.