Monday, July 11, 2005

The Game.

Unable to decide between what is right

And what is wrong

Without parameters

Without definition

I ask for help.

I ask for directions as to how to play this horrible game

That I did not ask to play

Quickly, I am chastised.

Confronted and ready.

For questioning the unwritten rules.

And I falter emotionally.

I am confused.

I am concerned.

I hold fast to this newfound honesty.

I will remain faithful to those I love.

And my love for them is deep.

But, I wonder,

Does this game ever end?

1 comment:

Golightly said...

Sobriety girl, I want to thank you. I bookmarked your page the minute that I ran across it. Your name stood out, but your words, wow... spoke to my every situation. I have been clean and sober myself since Jan. 19, 1995. I have experienced most of what you write about. I experience them over and over again. I seem to have these wonderful self discoveries, and then I find a new, exciting ways of medicating it away. Not with drugs and alcohol of course, but what ever is handy, poker online, employment demands, court tv, whatever I can find. I guess it isn't so much medicating as it is distracting myself. (same thing really)I get it, I really do, I know what to do, but the big question...Do I want to do it? Do I want to trade the comfort of discomfort for serenity and peace? I do. I really do. But, the fear is overwhelming. You would think by now that it would be easily to take that leap of faith. But, it actually seems to get harder. The game is neverending. I have a great life and can't really complain about the things I have, or the friends I have or how much love I have in my life. The problem is none of those things. The problem lies deep within me. I have gotten way to used to the tragic endings and have accepted them as my truth at some level. Anyway, I love what you write, it is so simular to my own thoughts and my own rants and writings. I plan to keep reading and keep plugging along at "the game". I also found the four agreements and all of the Don Miguel books in my recovery, they are so amazing. I read and reread them, I wish there was a way to glue the words in to my brain so that I could retrieve them in every situation. Again, thank you for your words and putting them out there for all to see. Your spirit is bright and inspiring. Love and Light. Ami aka golghtly