Four Years.

Here I am, sitting in my office and suddenly it hit me. I mean, HIT ME. Today is my fourth year of being sober.

I frantically begin to try and recall all the moments I have had in the last years milestones; Year One, I threw myself a party. The second, I got the tattoo I had always wanted. The third, I spent mourning my former not so sober life. And in the blink of an eye, I am at year four.

At this milestone in my sobriety, I feel a great amount of appreciation for where I am. My past has become just that, my past. Life these days seem to be moments in which I am learning to appreciate the present in great stride.

I made a decision four years ago and every single day, I find myself reinforcing this decision in varying degrees:

I recall one moment this summer where I was ready to cash in all my sober chips for a reprieve from the emotion that sometimes overwhelm me.

Another moment this year, I sat on the porch of the house I shared with my former husband and cried for the time I had spent in such turmoil. And I mourned the loss of love gone bad.

One day, I cheerfully proclaimed that being sober was the best thing in life only to counter this proclamation a few hours later with a tirade about how horrible it is not to be able to drink.

A few weeks ago, I wept with joy because I had actually stuck to such a profound decision with tenacity. Something I would never had dreamed of years ago.

And that leads me to my four year milestone. The party was had, the token tattoo, the grief. Today, I will let this milestone pass without the hoopla (save for this post). It's another day in my life, one that I am grateful for and one that I am reminded of where I am in my life today.

Sobriety weaves in and out of the emotional fabric that makes up everyday life. Some days, I find snags. Other days, I find patterns I didn't know existed. It's all a mesh of moments, both good and bad, that I find keep my sobriety from become tattered. I appreciate the intricacies and continue to mend those holes that still exist.

So, today, I thank myself for every one of those moments in the past year that bring me to another milestone. I thank all the people I love, I've lost, I've forgiven. For all the moments this year, I am appreciative.