Friday, January 29, 2010

The Wall

This morning, a friend wrote this to me:

"...powerful is your default state, you just let the CRAP overtake you, like vines creeping up a wall. You're the wall. The vines are your insecurities..." 

It's been a tumultuous week with several notable minor but annoying meltdowns to enhance the overall drama level. I've shed some tears, fought outright panic and lived with a sense of complete anxiety in the span of about six days. Nothing overly dramatic or out of the ordinary but enough to cause me a heightened sense of angst.

It's not the meltdowns, tears or panic that really infuriate me. It's the propensity I have for defensively reverting back to something I used to liken to putting up walls. The reality is, I am the wall. I immediately allow the stress and question to define me. The vines can grow within 24 hours and I am then expending energy to get rid of them instead of learning to keep the walls down. I panic. I forget that I really am defying life's challenges by taking all that is adverse and creating something fabulous. And throughout my life, that's really what I do.

The reality, again, is that I have done tremendous work in my life, on many levels, and to allow myself to return to a state where I am paralyzed by my past is just plain ridiculous. We all deserve to be happy. We deserve to live as fully as possible. We all deserve the ability to rid ourselves of the "crap".

This morning, I vented. Cried like a baby. Rolled over and played dead. I gave my friend every reason why I could not possibly knock down this heavily guarded wall in which I have both allowed myself to hide behind and incorporated into my being. He kept egging on my fight instinct. Pointed out the objective. Wrote out the OBVIOUS. And after much argument, I re-read the words. He was right, I am defiant. I am powerful. And I have moments of complete insecurity. It happens.

We move on, persevere through life and hope that we've learned from our mistakes. I made a mistake this week (okay, I've made several as I am just generally like that) by allowing anything to stand in the way of who I am and why I'm here.

And now, I've furiously pulled down the weeds and remembered that my insecurities will never define me, they just annoy me. And life moves on.


chitowngreg said...

Thanks for your post. I think it's important for us to acknowledge that we can revert pretty easily back to our "default state" of insecurity and feeling "lesser than." I believe that recognition, though, can also be an important part of things getter better. Each time we call ourselves on our stuff, or invite a loved one to do so, we somewhat reduce the liklihood of our reverting back (at least to the same degree) the next time and also make it easier to work our way back out of it. Instead of beating ourselves up about it, we need to feel good about what we've accomplished. Our focus has to be on progress, not perfection.

Syd said...

I don't want those walls to be up anymore. I may be vulnerable but that at least means that I am letting people in. I know what to do about the vines. The tools of the program help me to get rid of them and to tear down the wall.

Anonymous said...

acknowledge the wall and it's presence is the first step to breaking it down

Mike said...

Thanks for the post.
that is a great friend who sent that to you. It is so often we let our insecurities climb over us, choke us in to desperation.
Sometimes I have to step back when I am angry and ask, "What am I a afraid of?"
If I can immediately answer with something solid I will stay on it. If I hesitate...I need to realize this isn't about me.

Anonymous said...

whens the book comin' out?

M. Edison Bayer said...

Walls. Walls are tough, but they aren't permanent. Eventually walls will crumble on their own. In fact, vines are a part of the natures way of reclaiming the stones that originally belonged to her in the first place. This makes me think that as long as I don't take care of my wall or protect my wall, the natural processes will dismantle it, in it's own time. It's hard because it requires patience. I have very little of that.