Friday, April 02, 2010

The attempted demise of Sobriety Girl

Over the last eight years of my sobriety, there have been many times where I have wrangled with the identity of "sobriety girl".  I've created this persona to express my life as a sober woman. I've written countless articles under the name. At times, "sobriety girl" seems to be stamped on my head wherever I go. I've even googled "sobriety girl" and realized that my persona has become a brand running rampant on the internet. It has been infinitely satisfying on many levels to know that I've been fortunate to be able to gain insight from others and continue along my own recovery road. I've been writing the book for over a year with an actual audience anticipating it.  

Many times, particularly in the last two years, I've done just about everything but shut down the blog and kill off "sobriety girl". I struggle with my recovery every day. I struggle many times to write positive and decisive blogposts about where I am in my recovery because I am simply uncomfortable where I am. I look for normalacy in life. Boring. Bored. Quietness. And I begin to take the "sobriety girl" persona and look for ways to eliminate one of the most healthy and inspiring pieces of my life. I feel that living under some alias is far too much of an ego trip. I am just another person trying to survive addiction. And there are times when I don't like what I've created.

The funny thing about thinking about the demise of my self created persona is that I haven't slipped. I have managed to not drink through some of the most trying personal times of my life. I just find it to be self serving to call myself anyone but who I am. I am Kim. I am desperately trying to find the right path to happiness. And in the process, I sometimes write raw and emotionally insights from where I sit. And these come under the name "sobriety girl".

So, from here, I am still writing under "sobriety girl" but the persona now matches my real one. And I think, in the end, there may be some normalcy in that. And now, I can get back to writing the book. It's been a long time since I've sat down and wrote out chapters that resonate where I struggle and where I succeed.

11 comments:

Behrle said...

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Marci @ ESPECIALLY FOR YOU said...

Kim, it's nice to meet you, even if it's through the blog. You are a wonderful writer and I also struggle sometimes with who am I? I also have been fortunate and graced that I have not drank during difficult and just plain ordinary days. I think the ordinary days are tougher for me. So, like you, I am learning that I am who I am, everyday, sober and everything that surrounds me is a whole package. Sobriety has brought me to this point and it is through the whole package, my life, what I do, where my energy is spent that I have awareness. Without it who knows where I might be. Certainly not here. Can't wait for your book! Take care.

Syd said...

It's nice to know you Kim. I think there are many times that I struggle with just being real. That is one of the hardest thing for me in recovery.

Mary Ellard said...

Hello Sobriety Girl,
This was my first time reading your blog and I too go under an allias - so I identified with what you wrote. However, I am still in the closet about my disease and choose not to share it in my blog. Congratulations on your continued sobriety - it really is an amazing journey. I wish you all the best and will make it a point to read your blog regularly. Thank you!

Mary Ellard

http://maryellard.blogspot.com/

Bobby said...

Thanks for your honesty Kim. The persona of "sobriety girl" may be closer to who you really are than you think. When we write we are usually focused and more capable of hearing our own inner voice. There are so many things to distract us when we are dealing with the world swirling around us that we don't stay centered long enough for that inner voice to come through clearly. Writing allows that voice to come through loud enough for us to actually hear it. Keep writing "sobriety girl" because the world is listening.

sheila said...

after all...it's just life! Godspeed!

Diane said...

Oh I'm so glad I found your blog..I have this double life: recovering writer as well...keeps me honest and I have to practice what I write and tell the truth about myself

Diane

Womeninrecovery.blogspot.com

Shay said...

It's nice to meet you Kim :)

Mark said...

Hi Kim, Great blog for one and I too have finally found my sobriety. It is really hard as you said, when life throws a curve ball and you know that you can not and will not return to the drink. We need to stay strong and keep believing in ourselves to keep those demons out of our live.
Believe and you will achieve!

Sober Mommy said...

I just happened across your blog this evening. I can relate to this post alot. congrats on your sobriety Kim!

italianlady67 said...

SobrietyGirl you have no idea what your blog and posts have just done for me. I too, struggle daily in sobriety and recovery. I have a bit over 3 years and so often will say in a mtg that I am still waiting for Happy Joyous and Free to come my way. I found your sight, when in meditation this morning, I heard could this be a bottom in sobriety??? I had never heard of such a thing so i googled it and there you were. The blog that comes up upon entering that site today, BLEW MY MIND! You were telling my story as it is today, at this moment and has been for over a year now. I can't seem to allow myself to be happy. When I feel like i am, it is like I am not in my own skin. It is so unnatural to me that i actually can feel myself pulling ME back into the hole of self-hatred, pity, undeserving of this feeling type of thing. Please keep sharing these emotions. I would love to email you if possible. I have found that I am not alone in feeling this way and for today, just for today, I have HOPE.
Thank you,